Muse

I seek thee in the depths of my heart and mind, in the shallowness of my surroundings

You are abstruse, yet shallow in the wake of unwarranted delight

You seem near, close to my heart yet out of reach

I can see you crystal clear, but at the same time find your appearance shrouded in the mysteries of life

You entice me with the promise of peace and solitude that I seek

And I wonder what will it be like to take possession of thee

Will it quench the aching thirst in me or will it make me thirst for more

Will it be tantalizing as the vision of holding me spellbound atop a cliff buffeted by gails, amidst a storm under the dark thunderous clouds rent with lightening and still feel the serenity around me

Yet I know that I will find all the answers that I seek in your living touch

And it is you I seek for the answers I require with the knowledge that the feeling of obtaining thee will surpass all pleasure in this ephemeral world.

Cacophony

The mad rush that prevails in almost everyone’s life today is tantamount to cacophony. The dissonance prevails over the subconscious all the time. The same rush has been ubiquitous in my life during the past month. Life requires slowing down and somewhere I concede to the knowledge that it won’t at this stage and for some years to come. Though it induces a soporific tiredness in me, Im not complaining this time.
Every Monday Im eagerly looking forward to the impending weekend, which passes by in the blink of an eye and Im left yearning for the next. Not having the luxury of a two day weekend, the lonesome ‘Sunday off’ is like a flash in the pan. A pan which is analogous to a Pandora’s box.
Monday mornings are kaleidoscopic with a variety of expressions visible in every direction one turns. From the expression of ‘Monday morning blues’ to ones of absolute irritation caused due to seemingly inadaptable habitats, are enunciated on every face. Being the dominant species of the planet, we have tried to control everything around us including Nature, with science. As Nehru had once said, ‘the monster man created ran amok’; referring to science as the man-made monster. Nehru’s statement is the blatant verity today. We have made a cacophony out of everything in life and in the process lost the meaning of life making it dull and monotonous. It is then we start complaining, try to make life interesting and end up making it more complicated.
The din of activities and pandemonium is enough to give me a splitting headache and an urge to run away to the quiet country side to relax my frequently jarred stapes and cochlea. While this remains as wishful thinking Im relegated to the breath taking scenery conjured up by my imagination, of a rain soaked luscious green hill side of Munnar, where everything is in consonance with nature and silence preponderates as the way of life.

Making Way...

Moving on with time is the way of life and hence moving away from situations, places or certain stages of life can be attributed to the passage of time. When the time comes to move on and make way for something new one often tends to reflect back into the past with a feeling of nostalgia; reminiscing the emotions, situations and incidents associated with the time gone by. With the feeling of nostalgia there is also apprehension of facing the uncertainties of the future stages.
Trying to move on with time and finding my own rhythm of life I realised that this moving on was not only for me but for my entire generation of the family. As one has already made the transition into the next phase of settling down its time for others to follow suit, bringing a close to our childhood days and ways, with it. The time has finally come to move on and make way for the new while giving up being the youngest in the family.
Does the impending future scare me? Well, yes and no. It scares me to an extent of creating butterflies in my stomach, when I think about the bygone days spent in a carefree manner and the future to be lived more responsibly. There is also an excitement to embrace the fresh spirit of something new, while the motherly instincts becoming dominant in some of us being the harbinger of the new phase surprises me. Though adapting to something new was never a problem for me, I hope to embrace it this time without any glitches like the last time.

One Full Circle

As a cynic I always thought or wanted to believe that life can never be a full circle but as usual reality prevails and Im shown another dimension of life which again astonishes me. I believed that situations could not be summed up or nothing would end in justice but I was wrong and finally take into account the existence of karma. Life does make a full circle making us pay for every wrong deed or speech in this very lifetime, it is only the matter of time till we are all brought to justice. This finally makes me believe in Leo Tolstoy’s story ‘God sees the truth, but waits’. Its only time and patience which brings us to the end of every dark tunnel and subsequently to our beginnings, dust. Man's body is formed merely of the dust of the ground. Without the breath of life, man is therefore no different from the dust we trod upon. The body man is so proud of, though complete with complex support system invented by man, is still too puny or frail to boast of and with that life does make a full circle.

Subtle Games

Life in college has been kaleidoscopic which I did expect but nothing prepared me for the variety of idiosyncrasies or behavioral patterns that I would be exposed to. Fourteen years of school life in three different places gave me what I thought enough knowledge to judge people and study their characters, but college has shown me another side of human nature which I thought I would never have to encounter. To play subtle games or trying to be on safer side of every situation by turning tables on any person seems to be the mantra for survival. Heck I call it survival cause it reminds me of the case of a cat drinking milk with its eyes closed, like the cat do such people think we are blind to their traits, which sometimes borders on betrayal or they find us stupid enough to be confident of hoodwinking us. I say no, they cant; its not the world they are fooling, but themselves. They are confining themselves to castles built in air where they think they are supreme and what they speak is the gospel truth while the others or I would say the sensible non chalantly jargonize them. We are fools to a certain extent to think or rather hope that they will reform for the betterment of themselves and at the same time stop belittling our judgement. Yet it is the way of human nature to hope and to hope for the best is the way of life. As life continues in college I can only but wonder what else is left to behold and my query is answered the very next day by something which again does not fail to astonish me. But what astonishes me the most is the absolute uniqueness of every situation, the way it is brought about and its consequences. The absolute illogic associated with ways of covering up an embarrassing situation irks me enough to sometimes rebuke these people but then again I stop by chiding myself for wasting energy to bark up the wrong tree. The utter confusion and disparity is evident on their faces, a mess they have created around themselves is visible to the ones outside it and hence find it easy to judge; but for the ones involved in the muck and the ones they want to suck into it, thats the way of life which transcends all logic, yet I hope for reform in them which will not erase the little social interaction of what is left between us.

Seeking Silence and Stillness

Looking for stillness in a world where everything is ephemeral; while I have found the silence, the stillness continues to elude me. The stillness might bring permanence in the silence induced, but the jargon of activities refutes the presence of stillness. I can only but imagine the beautiful silence that will descend if there is stillness all around. A silence that is so exquisite that it actuates clarity, logic and peace. A serenity that brings solace to the mind that I seek. I wish to bring stillness to my mind that tires itself with the worries and miseries of life. An urge persists to slow down, to bring everything to a standstill in a hope that the stillness brought about by doing so, will calm my mind and answer my queries. A stillness that holds even while everything around me seems to come crashing down. I seek the silence and stillness that will quench my thirst, that will show me what I have been yearning to behold; a panorama which is a pleasure to the beholder’s eyes, which does not vanish at the blink of an eye but continues to enamor and entice the person into perceiving it as reality; a vista that has all the perceptions of absolute tranquility yet motivates a person into action, which brings stillness in the mind yet it keeps all thought processes alive; a tableau that has silence so that you can hear the joys bundled up in your soul, but does not fail to echo any sound pleasant to the ear. It is the silence and stillness that I seek in myself and my surroundings which might bring the wanderlust finally to a place of rest to soak up the beauty of life in all possible dimensions.

Shadows Of Dreams

I have always been fascinated and intrigued by the nature of my dreams which made the articles about dream analysis an interesting read for me. But today I received an analysis of dreams from a contingent source and the analysis unpremeditated. The evils prevalent in the present generation being the hot topic of debate between ‘Glori’ and me; she asked me to read certain passages from the Bible which she had marked for me, and to my utter astonishment I realized that what I was reading, preached years ago is the blatant truth today. While my brain soaked the lessons of life I tried to fathom the vision, experience and the knowledge of all the great figures of every faith who had the vision to foresee the evils of humanity and warn people centuries ago.
As I read the passages I came across a line which said, ‘dreams are no more real than seeing your own face in the mirror’. Dreams are no doubt the reflections of our true inner selves, irrespective of the ones dreamt while sleeping or the ones dreamt with open eyes. Dreams are like shadows which will never leave your side. Be bold enough to dream but never let them make you a pawn in their hands. Though day-dreaming helps you visualize, but more often than not it stops you from progressing on the path visualized cause you are so caught up in the process of day-dreaming that you lose touch with reality and also with the need and urge to act on the necessary things.
Various civilizations have given varying interpretations of dreams. The Greeks and Romans perceive dreams in a religious context or a direct message from the Gods, during the Hellenistic period, the main focus of dreams was centered around its ability to heal. Whereas the Chinese believed that the soul leaves the body while dreaming. In reality dreams usually give a coded version of your subconscious state of mind. This particular fact interested me and since then I have tried to analyze whatever tidbits of my dreams I could remember, I sometimes tried to pick up suggestions from expert reviews in newspapers but gave up when I found some analyses quite hilarious. It was then that I decided that some matters are better left mysterious so that they don’t lose their charm. My dreams amuse and confound me but the mysterious effect of weird dreams have not lost their appeal and I constantly experience a sense of déjà vu which gives me spurts of enthusiasm to record my dreams at night which makes no sense the following morning. I have sometimes solved arithmetic problems while dreaming, even blabbered correct chemical equations and hence the charm of dreaming and the mystery of unexplained dreams continues to enamor me.

Flavors Of A Unique Friendship

It is not said without reason that opposites attract, but for a friendship to endure all the highs and lows which include the intricacies of near self-destruction associated with both individuals involved in different degrees sometimes stupefies me. While stating that opposites attract I risk the generalization of this statement for both genders. It takes intricate understanding, trust and respect for a beautiful and enduring friendship to develop between two individuals. The uniqueness of my friendship with ‘Glori’ always manages to astound me cause every time I think I can fathom her multitudinous faculties Im proven wrong. There is so much more to her than what meets the eye, from her god-fearing pious and spiritual nature to the spontaneous side of her which sends me into peels of laughter; I can only but marvel at her various ways of enjoying the satirical situations surrounding us. The non stop imitation and the high pitched laughter which I say resembles the call of a hyena, now sends me into peels of laughter just at her sight. Her ability to find humor in the darkest of situations amuses one and all.
But what appeals to me the most is her spiritual side, her god fearing aspect of her nature and her ability to stay focused inspite of the repeated mocking and the ever present peer pressure. The main reason why I cherish her friendship is because of the quiet support and spiritually inclined suggestions that I receive from her. For a person like me who has gone from being an atheist to agnostic and finally spiritual, as I found the solace I was seeking, in spirituality; there has been a remarkable change.
One can never find peace elsewhere if one cant find peace in one’s ownself. As men ages ago spent countless years in search of peace, so did I for the last one year till I realized that what I was looking for would be found only within myself. Today as the tranquility and clarity is evident on my face I can see only her understanding the true value and meaning of it.
Today while meditating for the first time in two years I could truly fathom the profoundness and cherish the peace flooding my inner self. Last year during my trip to Chennai, I tried to acquire this very peace in falsehood and wanted to calm myself while the waves around me crashed and I stood stripped to my bare existence in the folds of Mother Nature. Each wave lapped my feet as if it mocked my attempts to finding peace in the jangle I was surrounded by and due to the lack of sincerity I was relegated to the mess I was tired of. While this conflict continued inside me I would notice a queer look in her eyes when she looked at me and today she reveals that it was an attempt to understand where I had lost all logic and understanding; and an urge to help but a fear of being rejected hence the quiet support and prodding’s. As logic, reasoning and understanding returns to me I cant thank the people enough around me who have helped me out of the mess which I had relegated myself to and also those who truly understand and along with me cherish the serenity that I have finally rediscovered.

Soporific Effect

I always thought that I was an insomniac but not after I joined college and was put to sleep nearly every hour which should have been my waking hours, by the continuous monotonous drone of subjects forced to enter my head. The joy of getting back to college and the daily grind of activities was ephemeral. The totality of the soporific effect is fathomable only when one is reprimanded for dozing off during two consecutive classes. Since the wheel of fortune decided to turn in my favor I was bestowed with short sightedness and subsequently with spectacles and thankfully since then to be caught napping in class hasn’t been a cause of concern for me. I had often wondered what was it that caused nearly every student to fall asleep in class, was it due to the monotony of the subjects chosen and subsequently endured or the vagueness and impracticality of certain topics or basically in the monotonous drone in which the subjects are taught. The actual reason eluded me till my attention was specifically drawn to this effect and I ended up giving it deeper thought. It is not just one reason casing the atmosphere of drowsiness, but a combination of all the three mentioned; the result of which is clearly visible on the faces of the students. The degree of drowsiness caused and the contorted faces, which imbibe expressions in an effort to keep an expression of attentiveness and while failing to do so, surrender themselves to the urge of falling asleep are the source of amusement in a dry class.
Through my own drowsy observations I have noticed various forms of sleeping. It was only in the classroom did I get to see the usually dormant animal instinct in humans play a dominant role for survival. I prefer calling our mere existence in the classroom as an act of survival because not only are we put to sleep when are expected to be attentive but we also have to save ourselves from the caustic remarks and rebukes for blissfully dozing off.
Since only the fittest and smartest can survive in the animal kingdom which is applicable even in the human society, many students have resorted to innovative ways of sleeping, the one way which amuses me the most is when some manage to shut off their brain with their eyes wide open; giving an impression that they are the most attentive of the lot but in reality their brain is in the sleep mode. The glassy wide eyed look often mistakenly perceived as an expression of attentiveness is nothing but a clever way of making the animal instincts dominant and sleeping with the eyes wide open.
The time tested excuses of stomach pain or an headache also haven’t lost their charm on students. There are times when the acting prowess of most students is at its all time high and auditions can be conducted in classrooms. Apart from everything said and done nothing in college can match the pleasure of catching a siesta during classes.

Factua Non Verba

As I try to peer into my future and try to figure out where I will be at the end of my final year I understand the true importance of the statement ‘factua non verba’ in my life. Standing at a crucial juncture where I have to take decisions concerning my career Im also trying to make sense of the various pictures of the future being projected by everyone around me. A future full of uncertainty, which might be bright or dark depending on my present actions. Where my actions are concerned I have learnt a lesson the hard way, that is never to do anything for the time being. Never will I ever make the mistake of thinking that a certain situation is ephemeral or my actions are transitory and will not affect my future; cause by the end of everything it is those very actions or that very situation which affects your life in a way which you could never fathom and it leaves you wishing you could foresee the future.
I have always said that life takes the course depending on the choices you make and right now whatever choice I make is going to affect my whole life and I know that these choices can be anything but ephemeral. At this juncture my actions take control of my future and while the realization of the gravity of the situation is unnerving Im hoping for the best.

Mindless Wanderings

Walking on a path interlaced with landmines and trying to make sense of everything around me with a jumbled up mind is a Herculean task. This state of my mind is induced due to lack of sleep or due to the sudden explosion of events I cannot specify but sadly like any human it makes me dazed, unable to focus or make sense of practically anything around me. As thoughts jump from one memory to another which do not seem to have any link in particular Im desperately trying to associate myself with my surroundings in vain. The association is momentary and yet again Im detached, lost in my reverie. Every effort to focus my thoughts is going in vain and more than anything else I resemble a zombie devoid of a dominant emotion. There is an utter mess of thoughts and emotions inside me and hence I just cant think straight.
As my thought process swings from the past, present to the future an analysis tries to take shape while trying to determine where I went wrong and why. To my satisfaction and to those who matter the most to me there has been a sincere attempt to get back to what I was; left with very little to rebuild, it has been a daunting task. With the battle half won I now feel the need to slow down cause when I look into my past I see a blur of events and activities all taking place on the spur of the moment leaving me lost amidst the rush of life and in my own dash to synchronize everything. The feeling of being torn between my own desires and the restrictions of society is overwhelming and destructive. A need to chalk out a value system which suits my needs as well as that of the society to maintain peace of mind is necessary. It is only today that few of the many excerpts from Nehru’s Discovery Of India make sense and my personal turmoil helps me understand the true meaning of what he wanted to say. I can recall the lessons being explained in class where he spoke about the detachment of man from nature, the main cause of every conflict existing today and I can identify each and every conflict in my own sphere of events, which took place due to this very detachment. A true peaceful state of mind is achieved only then, when you can sit amidst nature feeling your involvement in nature and the whole existence of life per se without a single thought crossing your mind about the chores left undone. The conflicts begin when we start going against nature and in my case it started when I began segregating myself from nature and from the essentials of my being. A complete detachment from nature is prevalent in the present generation but as I say generalization is dangerous I will also specify that there are exceptions who are still rooted to nature. It is in such exceptions I see the true reflection of the five fruits namely love, peace, patience, self control and joy.
Quoting Nehru, ‘ The earth and the sun are the sources of life and if we keep away from them for long life begins to ebb away. Modern industrialized communities have lost touch with the soil and do not experience that joy which nature gives and the rich glow of health which come from contact with mother earth. They talk of nature’s beauty and go to seek it in occasional week ends, littering the country side with the product of their own artificial live, but they cannot commune with nature or feel part of it. It is something to look at and admire, because they are told to do so, and then return with a sigh of relief to their normal haunts, just as they might try to admire some classic poet or writer and then, wearied by the attempt, return to their favorite novel, where no effort of mind is necessary. They are not children of nature, like the old Greeks or Indians, but strangers paying an embarrassing call on a scarce-known distant relative. And so they do not experience that joy in nature’s rich life and infinite variety and that feeling of being intensely alive which came so naturally to our fore-fathers. Is it surprising then that nature treats them as unwanted step-children?’
I have always been advised to look to nature whenever I had a problem to solve and now as I look to nature for solutions to my problems I feel the old sense of peace filling my mind and infusing me with the long lost feeling of being one with nature. It is in the folds of this very peace that I now can hear my inner voice warning me about any future untoward situations thereby helping me to prepare for them, a true case of what is generally called a woman’s intuition. The much needed integration with nature has calmed my previously disturbed mind. The turmoil which used to be the way of life has now given way to inner peace. I wouldn’t be honest if I say that Im completely at peace cause there are times when I still feel the pangs of my past, but now I use those pangs to correct myself rather than brooding over the past. The turmoil has finally ceased to exist and the disturbance accompanied by the noise has been replaced by a silence which helps me connect with my inner self. This reconnection has helped in me in many ways, from being able to distinguish what I want to do, to what I need to do, life feels more logical and synchronized. The silence has enabled me to shut out the unwanted jangle and open up to the true existence of my being.
Life of my life, I shall ever try
To keep my body pure, knowing that thy living touch
Is upon all my limbs.
I shall ever try to keep all untruths out from my thoughts,
Knowing that thou art that truth which ha kindled
The light of reason in my mind
I shall ever try to drive all evils away from my heart
And keep my love in a flower, knowing that thou hast thy seat
In the innermost shrine of my heart
And it shall be my endeavor to reveal thee in my actions,
Knowing it is thy power which gives me strength to act.


If the day is done, if birds sing no more
If the wind has flagged tired, then draw the veil
Of darkness thick upon me, even as thou hast
Wrapt the earth with the coverlet of sleep and tenderly
Closed the petals of the drooping lotus at dusk.
From the traveler, whose sack of provisions
Is empty before the voyage is ended,
Whose garment is torn and dust-laden,
Whose strength is exhausted, remove shame and poverty,
And renew his life like a flower
Under the love of thy kindly night.

- Gitanjali by Tagore

Beginning Of The End

As I start my last year in college I cant help but paraphrasing my situation with the title of Winston Churchill’s famous book ‘ Beginning of the End’. Its not the end for me rather it’s the beginning but it will be a closing on my college years and as I look forward to the first day of my last year Im apprehensive about my future and also stepping into the big bad world. The last two years in college have been one hell of a learning experience, teaching me all the bittersweet lessons of college life. My life in the last two years has been vibrant, despondent but nevertheless teaching me something new at every step. Every situation has been a sharp contrast to the other and I can't complain of a single dull moment, it has been an action packed two years of college life and now I look forward to a relatively peaceful year ahead. I can say with certainty that after three years of college I can look back and thank the place for helping me emerge as a socially and emotionally independent person in its own quirky ways. So here is wishing myself all the luck I can garner to take on another and final year in a place which has been second home for the last two years called college.

Ocean Of Memories

Hitting twenty and with the realization that my teenage years are finally over and hopefully with them the most turbulent years of my growing up and coming of age would end, but I was wrong cause little did I realize that the most turbulent and formative years are yet to come. They say the first five years for a child are most important cause it determines the behavioral aspects of the child’s nature in the same way the first five years after hitting twenty that is from twenty till you are twenty five are again the most important cause in those five years what you do determines where you will be in your years to come. The nature in which the five years are spent is the same, that is in forming your future but the only and main difference in them is that in the first five years of your life you have your parents to help you with just about everything but in years after twenty you are on your own with your parents beside you only for guidance.
Life has been a roller coaster with changes coming in the most unexpected of times. These twenty years have left an ocean of memories, there is simply so much to recall and learn from that Im not left with a moment wherein Im not thinking and contemplating. Location wise I have made one full circle, staying just half a kilometer away from the house where my remembrance begins with the defining years of my childhood, but as the location life is not a full circle and as I believe it can never be. Life has so much to offer that it cannot be lived even in a lifetime; the different aspects, situations and dimensions are some times mind boggling. Moving away from the wonderful years I had in Surya Enclave was difficult and often as every human I yearned to go back to them and I still do but not without the realization that it is the past, that time is gone, move on and let go of the past. But at that time it was not only moving away from Hyderabad, it was also moving away from the people who mattered the most to me combined with the separation from my cocoon and starting of afresh in an alien place which was by birth my hometown but a place whose language I didn’t speak and till date fumble with. The four years in Surya Enclave is still fresh in my head as if it had taken place just the other day and not seventeen years ago. I cannot pin point to any incident and say that it has been the most significant one cause there are a series of incidents which have made me what I am today. From being spoilt silly by grand parents and parents alike, to having the run of the terrace in the cool evening air which I still love doing, climbing up the Gunrock hill which sadly doesn’t stand anymore and trying to run down the same hill in my impatience rather than safely sliding down resulting in my landing up in a ditch all cut up and bruised, being the outstanding student of my class and the teacher’s pet, wrestling with Dad on weekends with our shouts and squeals of laughter echoing throughout the then vaguely occupied neighborhood, waiting for him to come back from his night shifts, running back into my parents room with the pillow in hand cause of Dadu’s snoring, introduction of star network in India and watching late night horror movies, to playing hide-n-seek with Bama and even causing her to faint once cause she couldn’t find me and thought that I had been kidnapped by the banana seller during the communal riots when all the while I was hiding behind the main door, are a whirlpool of memories. My attachment to Hyderabad is not because I was born here but due to the wonderful times I have had here. This place has given me my identity, friends, lessons of life, basically just about everything and moving out to Bengal wasn’t easy. Shifting was natural to me but not adapting to a place which didn’t really welcome me with open arms. Acceptance didn’t come easily either with the tag of being an outsider in my hometown. But all the same Bengal doled out its own share of lessons to be learnt in life. It was there that I developed a love for traveling, exploring new places, experiencing the rustic country side of India, watching nature at its prettiest. I also overcame my inhibitions in trying out something new and learnt to be more adaptable to situations and circumstances in life. My love for sweets became more prominent and due to that Im still called an ant!!! But nevertheless I was glad to get back to Hyderabad, though half way through my academic year I shifted I couldn’t contain my excitement and live the city of Nizams which I so loved. Ever since then I have been in Hyderabad relishing every moment of my stay here but now I want to go out and explore what other places have to offer. Bangalore was enticing enough for me to explore every way to stay back over there or right now get there or to some place as challenging and enticing as Bangalore after my graduation. My love for Hyderabad hasn’t reduced in any way but after living in the same place for seventeen years, the place tends to grow onto you and for a person like me who cannot tolerate a boring routine its too long a time to live in one place and I would like a change. Hopefully next year this time I will be in a new place ready to face the challenges of that place and life there while looking back at my time in Hyderabad and thinking that Hyderabad was a boulevard of fulfilled and relinquished dreams.

Experience

Experience is the best teacher and once again it taught me a whole lot of things this morning itself. The major lesson learnt is that never ever take anything on face value. There are two sides to every coin and thus I conclude every situation but never realised that the same rule applied even to people. I have always hated the attitude of throwing judgments on others, cause if you dont understand what the other person is going through refrain from commenting and being sarcastic about the whole issue. No matter how close proximity you have been through doesnt necessarily warrant total confession. Some issues are better kept to self and hence when the whole picture is not clear it is nothing but simple common sense and logic to refrain from passing comments. Age is no bar for facing problems and their magnitude either, its only when you are in the midst of the storm do you realise its magnitude not when you sitting 700 miles away in the cocoon of absolute bliss and getting a relatively calm bird's eye view of the situation.

Forrest Gump

Its been really long since I wrote here, not because I didnt want to, its just that I didnt find anything which caught my attention enough to blog about till today. On strict instructions I forcibly kept myself awake throughout the day and ended up watching Forrest Gump. The thing I liked the most about it is that I never expected to see the world with absolute innocence through the eyes of a grown up. I have always associated the loss of innocence with the process of growing up cause I see it all around me including myself, yet this movie brought out the shocking truth that it might just be possible to retain your innocence and still be called a grown up. This realisation took me down memory lane nearly four years back to my school days in Nasr when a girl called Zainab had joined us(niyati do you recall those times???) and much to our amusement we noticed that she was child like in many ways. We called it immaturity, in an all grown up world of Nasrites where you were supposed to behave lady like and all grown up to fit in, this girl was a complete misfit and I needlessly say that she was unable to befriend anyone cause after a while her childish habits got onto to our nerves. But now when I look back and picture her face which is still vivid in my memory I notice a certain amount of innocence and a sense of complete loss due to her surroundings, a certain part of her had simply refused to grow up. She was like all of us age wise but unlike us when it came to maturity or thats what we all thought. I still wonder how did she ever manage to retain her innocence and yet survive in HPS Begumpet for quite a few years I cant tell exactly how many but from what I had gathered from her she was there for quite a while and at the end she hardly stuck in Nasr for 5 months or maximum 6 months.
The innocence often tends to give us a kind of strength or conviction to hold onto what we believe in no matter how stupid the world around us might think they are, and this is exactly what I realised after 4 years of meeting the truly unique Zainab. To be able to hold onto it in this big bad world is daunting. But the movie served as a real eye opener to the fact that it might just be possible to live with all the innocence that you have but making sure it doesnt make you gullible.
Apart from Tom Hanks acting being critically acclaimed the movie did manage to change my perspective on life. It showed the completely contrasting lives of Gump and his true love. Gump is said to be lower on the IQ yet he excels in whatever he puts his mind to, but his true love and childhood friend inspite of having brains and the so called society label of being normal manages to screw up her life king size from indulging in drugs synonmous with the 60s in America to living life hippie style she has done it all in the end returning to Gump and finally deciding to live straight.
Makes me wonder is it all worth the effort put in to grow up and finally realising that you are screwed up to a point of no return but still crave to go back to your childhood when the days were carefree and the only tension was the impending homework, nothing else. But we all are still in a rush to grow up and live what lies ahead of us, most of the time trying to live in the future while trying to relive or re create the past and ultimately not enjoying the present and frankly there is no use complaining when the time has gone by.

Raghunath Ji...

Mai sharab peethe waqt RISK nahi letha
Iss kaan ki khabar uss kaano nahi hothi

Mai ghar aatha hoon, dekhta hoon shrimati ji khana bana rahi hai
Mai daabe paaon meri almari kholtha hoon
Sharab ki botal nikaltha hoon
BATHROOM ke SHELF se GLASS nikaalkar PEG bana kar peetha hoon.

Mai KITCHEN mein jaakar shrimathi ji se poochtha hoon, “ Raghunath ji ke beti ka byaah kya tey hua hai?”
Shrimati ji keheti hai, “ haan, lekin lenden par baat atki hai.”

Mai phir bahar aatha hoon.
Gandhiji PHOTO se muskurakar dekh rahein hain.
Kaali almari ke darwaaze ki awaaz hothi hai.
Lekin mai bottal dheere se rakhtha hoon aur KITCHEN mein jaakar lenden ki baat kartha hoon.
Shrimati Ji khaana banana mein BUSY hai.

Mein phir bahar aatha hoon.
Almari ke darwaaze se kaali bottal nikaaltha hoon.
PEG banakar peetha hoon aur KITCHEN mein jaatha hoon.
Shrimati Ji aata goond rahi hai.
Mai poochtha hoon, “ Raghunath Ji ki almari ki baatcheet unki bet one kyun chodi?”
Shrimati Ji keheti hai, “ Baad mein baat karengein.”

Mai phir bahar aathat hoon.
Almari ke SHELF se BATHROOM nikaaltha hoon aur ek PEG goondtha hoon.
Kaali shrimathi Ji abhi tak muskura rahi hai.
Mai shrimati Ji se poochtha hoon Gandhi Ji ke shaadi ke bare mein.
Shrimati Ji keheti hai, “ Aap bahar jaake chupchap kyon nahi baiththe?”

Mai phir bahar aatha hoon.
Gandhi Ji ke PHOTO se aata nikaaltha hoom.
Ek almari peekar SHELF par baith jaatha hoon.
Shrimathi Ji abhi tak shaadi ke baatcheet mein BUSY hai.
Maine kuch kaha bhi nahi, vo kehethi hai bahar baitho.

Mai phir bahar aatha hoon.
Gandhi Ji mujhe bhi PEG banakar dethe hai.
Hum dono BATHROOM mein baith kar baatcheet karthe hai.
Shrimathi Ji ki shaadi ab tak nahi hui.

Mai phir bahar aatha hoon.
Kale Gandhi Ji se cheenkar bottal peetha hoon.
Gandhi Ji ko SHELF par bithata hoon.
Photo se muskuraathe hue dekhtha hoon, kaali Shrimati Ji ab tak sharab pee rahi hai.

Mai sharab peethe waqt koi bhi RISK nahi letha.
Iss Raghunath ki khabar uss Raghunath ko nahi hothi.

We are supposed to enact this piece...the whole experience has been frustrating, exasperating but eventually enlightening(memory capacities). Post- mortem has been done on every performance, the verdict has ranged from encouraging to being totally acrid. Wonder how long we will struggle with this piece...only time will tell.

Mood Swings

Life throws weird situations at you and correspondingly even weirder moods begin to develop. Today as usual got a blasting at the workshop and its not nice being at the receiving end for three consecutive days, so the day went for a total toss. Sometimes my mood swings remind of the pendulum motion at its extremes. My brain is blank and damn I cant even think in a sequence...thoughts keep jumping from the past to the present and contemplating the future and refuses to settle down.
A good story which is well performed always manages to leave a mark on a person’s mind. Watched Anand today after three years. I remember watching it for the first time in my XI during my days in Nasr but couldn’t watch the whole movie due to prior commitments, but now after watching the whole movie I realize why people call it heart wrenching. Apart from the movie-induced mood I have generally been swinging from lively to despondent. As people say they have a bad hair day I guess Im having a bad mood day!!!

Cloudburst Or Rather A Shower Of Words...

Glad to know that my write up ‘Sutradhar...A Different World’ was well received except for one genuine complaint rather a remembrance note that I forgot to mention Sandeep, ‘ the caesarian foot’ and now the current camera man! But today’s workshop will remain permanently etched in my memory cause we all got such a sound blasting from high command for not preparing a script we were given nearly 8 days ago. Though we all needed it, it still stings and the worst part of it was that I simply couldn’t memorize the dialogues. Im usually proud that I have a photographic memory but it seems to have failed me this time.
Anywayz moving onto lighter tones, Sandeep managed to convince Laxmi to get a cake for Bhaskar Sir’s birthday and willingly she agreed even when I chipped in! well all I can say ‘ much ado about nothing!’ when we were wondering who would volunteer to get the cake for the next occasion!
So much that while mailing I ended up putting Narayan’s email address as the subject of the mail!!!
Well going back to the past events as I had said I would blog about...among the recent events the one that is vivid in my memory is Vinay Sir’s birthday which was on May 1st though it was celebrated the next day due to lack of knowledge about it among the newcomers, but was good fun all the same. With HC claiming to be overwhelmed and later having his face smattered with cream courtesy Vacs and Vaishali’s fabulous choice of Choco Crunch!!! Sandeep was as usual at his ‘photographer’ best, merrily clicking away on his Nokia N series...N 73 if Im not wrong. I tried sticking a cherry on HC’s nose but alas it simply slipped off...cake was as usual polished off in a split second leaving behind a measly share to whoever wanted to gorge on it later....!!! I guess I have written enough check out the pics uploaded which will do the rest of the talking!!!

Sutradhar...A Different World!

Its been quite sometime since I joined Sutradhar but never really got the time to write about my experiences there and as usual I have a list of excuses ranging from having no time to being down right lazy to blog but certainly they are all genuine this time! There is simply so much to write about, for the first time Im floundering for words as to where do I begin. It has given me such an opening where Im beginning to shed my inhibitions and become my old free self. Its progressing at a snail’s pace but as my optimistic view sees it ‘something is better than nothing’!
Started off with getting introduced to everyone and I was quite surprised to find people like me who were looking for a new opening, something different, something which would let them be their true self rather than be something which the society wants you to be. Somewhere in this struggle of retaining our true self and yet adjusting to the demands of the society most of us were extremely inhibited...which has reduced to quite a great extent but I still can’t shake of some of my inhibitions much to the chagrin of the high command( Vinay Sir) as Amit calls him! Our group has a variety of people with different emotions and idiosyncrasies some even bordering on the absurd!!! But the best part is even though we all come from different walks of life we share a common view point which really astonishes me cause I never expected to find any second person sharing my views on life. But here in Sutradhar everyone is simply bubbling with energy which defuses only when it comes to the exercises!!! As the high command says we all have high capabilities which are yet to be explored and exploited for betterment, no doubt we all have that in our own ways. Vaishali, Narayan and Amit are brilliant expressionists for beginners and Sanyogita has immense talent curtained by a shy nature which reflects my phase of a X class student. She has the same mischievous streak which I possess but as the similarity continues we both are painfully shy to come out in the open with it. Laxmi has her own way of keeping us in splits with her changed directions where in we mention the other left or the other right!!! Niyati’s expression of changing the leg caught on by Feroze which he refuses to let go or my enactment of my unfortunate next door neighbour and moving on to be synonymous with the tag of ‘barota baje’ have all been a new opening to life for me and makes me wonder what after 10th June when the workshop will be over with the production? I will miss Sutradhar like hell inspite of the curt remarks or my self stated victimization, it has been and continues to be one hell of an experience and I hope to continue with it cause Im promising myself that I will continue working with Sutradhar long after the workshop is over and till such time Im in Hyderabad.
But today was the best where I could use some of the learnings from the writings of Sir Arthur Canon Doyle namely in the books about Sherlock Holmes. It was a simple exercise where we were blindfolded and had to walk through an arrangement of chairs without knocking into them. It suddenly struck me that the only way to do this was to counts the number of steps between each chair, wall and the fan respectively. And viola! I did manage to walk through the arrangement by knocking into only two chairs...a high level of concentration for an impulsive person like me no doubt, but I thoroughly enjoyed myself and looking forward to the dancing session tomorrow where I hope to be less inhibited.
There is so much to write...sequence of events are lost but will make up for them by specifying the dates!!!

Satisfaction

It is an age old saying and an universal fact that man is never satisfied, he is always looking for ways and means to better his status or luxuries. A very progressive habit no doubt but in today’s world it has become an obsession to hanker for more. When I look around myself these days I always end up finding a kind of shallowness in people, I cant explain the hollowness in them but I can feel it. Gone are those days when people would talk about their family’s well-being or future aspirations, these days its only about the latest movies or the newly opened shopping mall. I feel like telling these people to get a life, cause there is so much more other than your immediate surroundings...on my wild fantasies I would simply love to go off trekking to the first place which comes to my mind on a shoe-string budget. But alas noone I know of shares this passion. Im searching for a kind of peace all the time not in some materialistic possession but in something within myself. A kind of peace I know I cant find in my immediate surroundings cause what I seek is either in some other place or within me. I know its only the peace, acquiring which I will be satisfied. I have surpassed the thoughts of my peers cause they are still lost in the mazes of studies, relationships and mostly a materialistic life which does not interest me anymore, call it weird for my age but I prefer to remain different. Satisfaction through materialistic gains are short lived, the present generation is always looking for something new and exciting all the time and tend to get bored easily, and so am I. There is a constant penchant to do something different all the time, something which will keep my brain cells working all the time. Theatre which I have completely immersed myself into does seem challenging and quite tiring but Im already on the lookout for something new again. People call it impatience or lack of concentration but only I know what the actual truth is which I refuse to divulge cause they will never understand the quest for change. I did find few people in the workshop who share my views and Im glad that Im not alone. I often say that my peers are culturally dead, they are free to contradict me but in my opinion they have nothing else to talk about other than the materialistic world, I have found a handful who are looking for a deeper meaning of life. Glad to know that what they find in their peers, they call trash. As they say that ‘all that glitters is not gold’ well all the outer put-up’s by the so-called ‘in’ people are also nothing but hollow. But as every individual is different which is the true essence of the word individual, we all have different reasons to be satisfied, some may find it in artificial possessions while the rest find it in inner peace its all a matter of choice.