Silence

'Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept noone's definition of your life, but define yourself.'
I often wonder that if every person followed this quote and stuck to it per se...how would life be? In relationships there is something called adjustments where we are not bullied but choose to remain silent to avoid hurting the other person or worsening the situation. Yet even this silence can be of two types : as mentioned above you choose to remain silent or the other where again you choose to remain silent not 'cause of the fear of hurting but in an attempt to get a better understanding of the situation you are in and then act accordingly. The latter which Im right now experiencing, I can say out of experience is not very easy to handle. There are times when Im so lost in my thought that I dont know what is going on around me so much that it irks the people around me. The silence is hardly what you can call forced its instinctive most of the time. I get a strong tendency to suddenly detach myself from the crowd that surrounds me and the best way I feel to detach myself other than walking away which I myself consider very rude is to shut off your brain and switch it on to your own specified mode. Its the best way to refresh your mind and yet at the same time indulge in a few blissful moments completely for yourself.
The silence that has descended over me is as I said instinctive and I often wonder What is wrong with me...but then I cant force my self to be vivacious when I dont feel like it. I've never been able to force myself to do something which I dont want to do...though I have sometimes given that power to the people close to me, to actually goad me into doing something which I dont wanna do and right now being in a reflective state of mind I absolutely hate myself for doing that. A voice at the back of my head now quietly reprimands me for giving that power to others to define my life. Comments from the critics in my life are most welcome only so long they are left to my discretion to imbibe the advices n comments. I personally feel that forcing someone actually amounts to unaccountable crime...might sound outstretched but come to think of it, it does ring true. It is better to screw up your life with your own hands rather than have someone else do it for you. The other person will be enjoying his/her life while you are left to deal with your miseries. The silence seems to have brought out a more reflective and contemplative side of me which is taking me closer to my old, stable self and I couldnt be happier rather I have had much more peace of mind than what I have had in the last one year. Its only when you are at peace with yourself that you can make peace with others. This silence what Im experiencing now, makes me wonder where it was so long? The minute I question myself my silence gives me the answer, it was lost in my rush of life...where I had created noise due to unwanted people and activities rather than a peaceful silence. But now when I have acquired this silence I refuse to let go of it...coz only this will help me walk confidently on path which Im walking, which seems to be criss-crossed with landmines...

Fatigue

We tend to associate the word 'fatigue' with only one meaning that is tiredness but there is more to this word than what meets the eye. Fatigue as we know can be due to various reasons, the most common ones being due to excessive work or exercise; we never tend to think in a way that even relationships can cause fatigue and latharginess due to this which shows more than any other cause in our daily life.
It affects us in many ways, we become dull and morosed, constantly contemplating, wondering what to do so that we can enjoy the relationship rather than get bogged down by its pressure. Its human nature to every simple thing complex and this reflects in our relationships. It is something which is meant to be enjoyed, revered and cherished but these days when I look around I find everyone worried due to some relationship be it with their partners, parents or siblings. It is difficult to find anyone in today's world who is at peace with himself. We are all lost in our own world of juggling part time jobs, managing our education or relationships. During rush hour if you just stop for a moment on the road to observe the expressions on the faces around you, a keen sense of observation will tell you that everyone is worried about something or the other. People pushing and shoving each other to get into buses, trains and autos in order to reach their destinations; this is the normal morning situation on a working day but behind this facade lies something which we all try to hide from others. But again not everyone can hide their feelings and it shows on their face. The fatigue due to relationships shows the most as it is the most difficult to hide. We all tend to draw support and strength from the relationships which we cherish the most but what happens when these very relationships become nothing but a burden. Some choose to breakaway while some choose to remain and run around trying to synchronize things and ultimately lose his or her individuality. As often mentioned life is full of choices and later on there is no use complaining about the wrong choices. We can always choose to continue a relationship, end it or distance ourselves from it, the choice is always of the people involved but not all are independent to make a strong, unlikely choice. This fear of being rejected in other relationships associated with it is always lurking in our minds; this is another major cause of fatigue. So finally it all boils down to the choices we make, it can be to live with this fatigue and reduce it, live with it and let it take its own course or put an end to the cause of the 'fatigue'.

Solitude

BEHOLD her, single in the field,

Yon solitary Highland Lass!

Reaping and singing by herself;

Stop here, or gently pass!

Alone she cuts and binds the grain,

And sings a melancholy strain;

O listen! for the Vale profound

Is overflowing with the sound.
This is what nearly all of us do. Though we are surrounded by people all day we often feel lonely or manage stay alone even when we are in a crowd. In our rush or madness to balance every aspect of life we lose ourselves not once do we stop to think that we are doing so much to please people but at the end of the day are we happy? I have had the opportunity of closely observing few of my close friends who have completely lost themselves trying to balance out their life and their relationships. Surrounded by people all the time we are lost in our own world and carry on with our work mechanically. This is what we call normal life.
Balancing your life is an art in itself...and to master this art requires patience, determination and a stable nature. Not all are able to retain their individuality while doing their so-called balancing acts. Today I had one of my friends telling me that inspite of doing her best to keep her near and dear ones happy they only kept grumbling all the time not bothering to think even once that she is doing so much yet they are not happy nor is she. I stopped her in mid-sentence questioning her as well as myself...that inspite of doing so much people around her are not happy is it because of her shortcomings or the fact that more you do for people the more selfish they get and their grumblings increase? I used to think that this friend of mine in particular was very stable but I was wrong, she has determination but she lacks patience and most of all a stable nature. As mentioned before life is full of choices and our life takes the course we choose; if you choose to be stable, life itself wont let you lose yourself. She says now that when she looks at herself in the mirror she cant recognise herself...this seems to be very common with the present generation. Yet we continue to live lives full of complications, wrong choices, tensions, etc.
Once the realisation of having lost your ownself dawns I have noticed that one tends to withdraw oneself into a kind of shell, refusing to come out of it. Call it common human nature or anything else I have noticed it in me as well as others. I guess its this solitude or silence which we bring onto ourselves lets us get back to our original self...lets us recognize our own goals, know what makes us happy and most of all stops us from doing what we dont like. I feel this silence in me once more in the past one year and hopefully this time when I get back to my original self I imbibe a stable nature and stick to it!!!

Mistakes, blunders, errors,...

'To err is human, to forgive is divine'; an often repeated quote but how many times have we actually forgiven a person completely? Synonyms for 'mistake' might run into pages as does the list of mistakes we make. Its only when you make a mistake rather a blunder that you realise all those sayings and quotations about forgiveness and mistakes were nothing but bullshit and absolute nonsense. Noone in this world is waiting for you to make a mistake( exceptions to this do exist) and at the same time in today's world neither is anyone waiting hands on to forgive your mistakes.
At such times the only familiar and recognizable faces around you are the ones of your near and dear ones; to be precise your family. It is only your family who stand by you in the time of need and inspite of the biggest mistakes and blunders forgive you and accept you the way you are.
Life is full of choices and the way we live our life is determined by the choices we make. A person might choose to live in isolation and still remain happy. As another saying goes 'never search for happiness in others which will make you feel alone, search it in yourself and you will feel happy even when you are left alone'. As a personal opinion I feel the best option is to isolate yourself once in a while to touch base with your true self rather than be someone you are not only to survive in society; atleast you don't end up losing yourself in the intricacies and complexities of life which only seem to snatch away your peace of mind. Once you start losing yourself in the complexness of life, starts the game of trying to save yourself from making mistakes and then actually doing the very same things you didn't wanna do but do them coz of wrong choices. There starts your very own list of mistakes, blunders, errors, etc.
Many make honest attempts to rectify their mistakes but not before they are tortured to the limit by continuously being reminded about their past. Time to change all that...but old habits die hard....

Illusions Of Life

The true reality of our oneness is very difficult to understand in our physical existence because of many factors. Our environment of family, teachers, religious leaders and friends give us an impression of who we are; or rather who we think we are. These are just the beginnings of illusions in our life. We are surrounded by illusions but we still accept it as reality and call ourselves realists so that we can move on with life. The biggest illusion in our life is called 'love'. We often think we are in love but can we define love? Noone till date ever has been able to do so...the initial heady feeling of being in love vanishes after sometime...and we end up wondering where all that went...from being a love which gave butterflies in the stomach it moves on to become a very comfortable type of love. Very often we see people apparently in love...rather madly in love only to part ways after a few years. Isn't this nothing but an illusion what they were living in? hen you love a person you should love him or her inspite of the shortcomings and faults...but usually after the other person stops showing their best and the true colours come out the love reduces and finally dies....this is nothing but an illusion which was created initially and it wears off with time.
Independence, freedom, individuality, etc all are nothing but illusions. We say that we are independent, but actually we are not...at the end of the day we are all answerable for our actions...then how are we proclaiming that we are independent. If we are truly independent then we could have lived life on our terms and conditions...but we cant cause we have responsibilities to shoulder. Guess it is time to come out of my own illusionary life and get back to the harsh realities of life...