Years ago I had a friend telling me that I tend to take the easy way out, I was quiet then knowing all the reasons for my so called 'easy' choice, but today when I look back on the 5 years that have passed since that comment I know I haven't taken the easy way out. And I guess it was because of that I managed to achieve all that I had set out to conquer, but today Im left with what I could give a fancy name of 'Boulevard of Broken Dreams' and I know it was because for the first time I chose to take the easy way out for I didn't have the confidence of taking the normal course even tough I know Im good.

This goes down as another lesson learnt and there are more to be learnt as I venture out to conquer my fears and get what ever my heart desires with the hope in my heart, that whatever happens, happens for the best...

Lessons learnt earlier, reinforced again today:

• Hope is one of my biggest delusions
• Some things aren't just meant to be and I have to learn to leave them at that
• Not hope against hope that things will turn out to be for the better, for they never do
• I will always remain misunderstood

My sincere apologies to those I have ignored over the last few months, I would not be honest if I said that I did not keep in touch for lack of time. I did not keep in touch for my priorities lay some where else and as the irony of my life would have it, those very same priorities now say I never gave them importance.

Why is it that some some people are always right and some emotions & feelings always wrong? Why is it that still I yearn for something which I get but never remains mine? Why does it always show me its fleeting self and the moment I start to take comfort in it, it disappears in the wake of the harsh daylight of the morning? One follows the other, how history in its notoriety always manages to repeat itself.

I thought I would learn from my mistakes, be the type who 'once bitten' would be 'twice shy'; but no I lived in a fool's paradise hoping against hope that the bad days were behind me and there was only good in store for me now. Who was I to judge, who was I to decide and finally I should have known that I was someone who could never expect. I was always told 'good things come to an end' and I believed that 'there is always an inevitability to certain things and so is the decadence' but what went wrong this time? Why did I falter again only to be led through the illusion that things were finally falling into place? Illusion, my that was beautiful, something close to Utopia and I know that there were also times of absolute nirvana. Love, joy and laughter flowed in the alleys of my Utopia, something which nearly a year back I had lovingly called my El Dorado. I was delirious with joy, with love and laughter that flowed around me letting myself for once flow unabashed and uninhibited. Little did I know it was such an illusion which when it would shatter would be like a shattered mirror leaving the shards of glass for me to pick and prick myself with. Consoling myself in the physical pain rather than ruing over the heartache caused.

I thought I had steel armored myself against the fingers raised at the integrity and honesty of my feelings, love and affection that I showered on my near and dear; but this turned out to be another illusion. Now I wonder if life itself at every step is a smokescreen hiding in its bosom an arsenal of reality-checks to shatter everything we have ever managed to build. My answer to all this is simply my silence. No one gets in, nothing gets out. Staid, simple silence is what I have for you...