Experience

Experience is the best teacher and once again it taught me a whole lot of things this morning itself. The major lesson learnt is that never ever take anything on face value. There are two sides to every coin and thus I conclude every situation but never realised that the same rule applied even to people. I have always hated the attitude of throwing judgments on others, cause if you dont understand what the other person is going through refrain from commenting and being sarcastic about the whole issue. No matter how close proximity you have been through doesnt necessarily warrant total confession. Some issues are better kept to self and hence when the whole picture is not clear it is nothing but simple common sense and logic to refrain from passing comments. Age is no bar for facing problems and their magnitude either, its only when you are in the midst of the storm do you realise its magnitude not when you sitting 700 miles away in the cocoon of absolute bliss and getting a relatively calm bird's eye view of the situation.

Forrest Gump

Its been really long since I wrote here, not because I didnt want to, its just that I didnt find anything which caught my attention enough to blog about till today. On strict instructions I forcibly kept myself awake throughout the day and ended up watching Forrest Gump. The thing I liked the most about it is that I never expected to see the world with absolute innocence through the eyes of a grown up. I have always associated the loss of innocence with the process of growing up cause I see it all around me including myself, yet this movie brought out the shocking truth that it might just be possible to retain your innocence and still be called a grown up. This realisation took me down memory lane nearly four years back to my school days in Nasr when a girl called Zainab had joined us(niyati do you recall those times???) and much to our amusement we noticed that she was child like in many ways. We called it immaturity, in an all grown up world of Nasrites where you were supposed to behave lady like and all grown up to fit in, this girl was a complete misfit and I needlessly say that she was unable to befriend anyone cause after a while her childish habits got onto to our nerves. But now when I look back and picture her face which is still vivid in my memory I notice a certain amount of innocence and a sense of complete loss due to her surroundings, a certain part of her had simply refused to grow up. She was like all of us age wise but unlike us when it came to maturity or thats what we all thought. I still wonder how did she ever manage to retain her innocence and yet survive in HPS Begumpet for quite a few years I cant tell exactly how many but from what I had gathered from her she was there for quite a while and at the end she hardly stuck in Nasr for 5 months or maximum 6 months.
The innocence often tends to give us a kind of strength or conviction to hold onto what we believe in no matter how stupid the world around us might think they are, and this is exactly what I realised after 4 years of meeting the truly unique Zainab. To be able to hold onto it in this big bad world is daunting. But the movie served as a real eye opener to the fact that it might just be possible to live with all the innocence that you have but making sure it doesnt make you gullible.
Apart from Tom Hanks acting being critically acclaimed the movie did manage to change my perspective on life. It showed the completely contrasting lives of Gump and his true love. Gump is said to be lower on the IQ yet he excels in whatever he puts his mind to, but his true love and childhood friend inspite of having brains and the so called society label of being normal manages to screw up her life king size from indulging in drugs synonmous with the 60s in America to living life hippie style she has done it all in the end returning to Gump and finally deciding to live straight.
Makes me wonder is it all worth the effort put in to grow up and finally realising that you are screwed up to a point of no return but still crave to go back to your childhood when the days were carefree and the only tension was the impending homework, nothing else. But we all are still in a rush to grow up and live what lies ahead of us, most of the time trying to live in the future while trying to relive or re create the past and ultimately not enjoying the present and frankly there is no use complaining when the time has gone by.

Raghunath Ji...

Mai sharab peethe waqt RISK nahi letha
Iss kaan ki khabar uss kaano nahi hothi

Mai ghar aatha hoon, dekhta hoon shrimati ji khana bana rahi hai
Mai daabe paaon meri almari kholtha hoon
Sharab ki botal nikaltha hoon
BATHROOM ke SHELF se GLASS nikaalkar PEG bana kar peetha hoon.

Mai KITCHEN mein jaakar shrimathi ji se poochtha hoon, “ Raghunath ji ke beti ka byaah kya tey hua hai?”
Shrimati ji keheti hai, “ haan, lekin lenden par baat atki hai.”

Mai phir bahar aatha hoon.
Gandhiji PHOTO se muskurakar dekh rahein hain.
Kaali almari ke darwaaze ki awaaz hothi hai.
Lekin mai bottal dheere se rakhtha hoon aur KITCHEN mein jaakar lenden ki baat kartha hoon.
Shrimati Ji khaana banana mein BUSY hai.

Mein phir bahar aatha hoon.
Almari ke darwaaze se kaali bottal nikaaltha hoon.
PEG banakar peetha hoon aur KITCHEN mein jaatha hoon.
Shrimati Ji aata goond rahi hai.
Mai poochtha hoon, “ Raghunath Ji ki almari ki baatcheet unki bet one kyun chodi?”
Shrimati Ji keheti hai, “ Baad mein baat karengein.”

Mai phir bahar aathat hoon.
Almari ke SHELF se BATHROOM nikaaltha hoon aur ek PEG goondtha hoon.
Kaali shrimathi Ji abhi tak muskura rahi hai.
Mai shrimati Ji se poochtha hoon Gandhi Ji ke shaadi ke bare mein.
Shrimati Ji keheti hai, “ Aap bahar jaake chupchap kyon nahi baiththe?”

Mai phir bahar aatha hoon.
Gandhi Ji ke PHOTO se aata nikaaltha hoom.
Ek almari peekar SHELF par baith jaatha hoon.
Shrimathi Ji abhi tak shaadi ke baatcheet mein BUSY hai.
Maine kuch kaha bhi nahi, vo kehethi hai bahar baitho.

Mai phir bahar aatha hoon.
Gandhi Ji mujhe bhi PEG banakar dethe hai.
Hum dono BATHROOM mein baith kar baatcheet karthe hai.
Shrimathi Ji ki shaadi ab tak nahi hui.

Mai phir bahar aatha hoon.
Kale Gandhi Ji se cheenkar bottal peetha hoon.
Gandhi Ji ko SHELF par bithata hoon.
Photo se muskuraathe hue dekhtha hoon, kaali Shrimati Ji ab tak sharab pee rahi hai.

Mai sharab peethe waqt koi bhi RISK nahi letha.
Iss Raghunath ki khabar uss Raghunath ko nahi hothi.

We are supposed to enact this piece...the whole experience has been frustrating, exasperating but eventually enlightening(memory capacities). Post- mortem has been done on every performance, the verdict has ranged from encouraging to being totally acrid. Wonder how long we will struggle with this piece...only time will tell.

Mood Swings

Life throws weird situations at you and correspondingly even weirder moods begin to develop. Today as usual got a blasting at the workshop and its not nice being at the receiving end for three consecutive days, so the day went for a total toss. Sometimes my mood swings remind of the pendulum motion at its extremes. My brain is blank and damn I cant even think in a sequence...thoughts keep jumping from the past to the present and contemplating the future and refuses to settle down.
A good story which is well performed always manages to leave a mark on a person’s mind. Watched Anand today after three years. I remember watching it for the first time in my XI during my days in Nasr but couldn’t watch the whole movie due to prior commitments, but now after watching the whole movie I realize why people call it heart wrenching. Apart from the movie-induced mood I have generally been swinging from lively to despondent. As people say they have a bad hair day I guess Im having a bad mood day!!!

Cloudburst Or Rather A Shower Of Words...

Glad to know that my write up ‘Sutradhar...A Different World’ was well received except for one genuine complaint rather a remembrance note that I forgot to mention Sandeep, ‘ the caesarian foot’ and now the current camera man! But today’s workshop will remain permanently etched in my memory cause we all got such a sound blasting from high command for not preparing a script we were given nearly 8 days ago. Though we all needed it, it still stings and the worst part of it was that I simply couldn’t memorize the dialogues. Im usually proud that I have a photographic memory but it seems to have failed me this time.
Anywayz moving onto lighter tones, Sandeep managed to convince Laxmi to get a cake for Bhaskar Sir’s birthday and willingly she agreed even when I chipped in! well all I can say ‘ much ado about nothing!’ when we were wondering who would volunteer to get the cake for the next occasion!
So much that while mailing I ended up putting Narayan’s email address as the subject of the mail!!!
Well going back to the past events as I had said I would blog about...among the recent events the one that is vivid in my memory is Vinay Sir’s birthday which was on May 1st though it was celebrated the next day due to lack of knowledge about it among the newcomers, but was good fun all the same. With HC claiming to be overwhelmed and later having his face smattered with cream courtesy Vacs and Vaishali’s fabulous choice of Choco Crunch!!! Sandeep was as usual at his ‘photographer’ best, merrily clicking away on his Nokia N series...N 73 if Im not wrong. I tried sticking a cherry on HC’s nose but alas it simply slipped off...cake was as usual polished off in a split second leaving behind a measly share to whoever wanted to gorge on it later....!!! I guess I have written enough check out the pics uploaded which will do the rest of the talking!!!

Sutradhar...A Different World!

Its been quite sometime since I joined Sutradhar but never really got the time to write about my experiences there and as usual I have a list of excuses ranging from having no time to being down right lazy to blog but certainly they are all genuine this time! There is simply so much to write about, for the first time Im floundering for words as to where do I begin. It has given me such an opening where Im beginning to shed my inhibitions and become my old free self. Its progressing at a snail’s pace but as my optimistic view sees it ‘something is better than nothing’!
Started off with getting introduced to everyone and I was quite surprised to find people like me who were looking for a new opening, something different, something which would let them be their true self rather than be something which the society wants you to be. Somewhere in this struggle of retaining our true self and yet adjusting to the demands of the society most of us were extremely inhibited...which has reduced to quite a great extent but I still can’t shake of some of my inhibitions much to the chagrin of the high command( Vinay Sir) as Amit calls him! Our group has a variety of people with different emotions and idiosyncrasies some even bordering on the absurd!!! But the best part is even though we all come from different walks of life we share a common view point which really astonishes me cause I never expected to find any second person sharing my views on life. But here in Sutradhar everyone is simply bubbling with energy which defuses only when it comes to the exercises!!! As the high command says we all have high capabilities which are yet to be explored and exploited for betterment, no doubt we all have that in our own ways. Vaishali, Narayan and Amit are brilliant expressionists for beginners and Sanyogita has immense talent curtained by a shy nature which reflects my phase of a X class student. She has the same mischievous streak which I possess but as the similarity continues we both are painfully shy to come out in the open with it. Laxmi has her own way of keeping us in splits with her changed directions where in we mention the other left or the other right!!! Niyati’s expression of changing the leg caught on by Feroze which he refuses to let go or my enactment of my unfortunate next door neighbour and moving on to be synonymous with the tag of ‘barota baje’ have all been a new opening to life for me and makes me wonder what after 10th June when the workshop will be over with the production? I will miss Sutradhar like hell inspite of the curt remarks or my self stated victimization, it has been and continues to be one hell of an experience and I hope to continue with it cause Im promising myself that I will continue working with Sutradhar long after the workshop is over and till such time Im in Hyderabad.
But today was the best where I could use some of the learnings from the writings of Sir Arthur Canon Doyle namely in the books about Sherlock Holmes. It was a simple exercise where we were blindfolded and had to walk through an arrangement of chairs without knocking into them. It suddenly struck me that the only way to do this was to counts the number of steps between each chair, wall and the fan respectively. And viola! I did manage to walk through the arrangement by knocking into only two chairs...a high level of concentration for an impulsive person like me no doubt, but I thoroughly enjoyed myself and looking forward to the dancing session tomorrow where I hope to be less inhibited.
There is so much to write...sequence of events are lost but will make up for them by specifying the dates!!!

Satisfaction

It is an age old saying and an universal fact that man is never satisfied, he is always looking for ways and means to better his status or luxuries. A very progressive habit no doubt but in today’s world it has become an obsession to hanker for more. When I look around myself these days I always end up finding a kind of shallowness in people, I cant explain the hollowness in them but I can feel it. Gone are those days when people would talk about their family’s well-being or future aspirations, these days its only about the latest movies or the newly opened shopping mall. I feel like telling these people to get a life, cause there is so much more other than your immediate surroundings...on my wild fantasies I would simply love to go off trekking to the first place which comes to my mind on a shoe-string budget. But alas noone I know of shares this passion. Im searching for a kind of peace all the time not in some materialistic possession but in something within myself. A kind of peace I know I cant find in my immediate surroundings cause what I seek is either in some other place or within me. I know its only the peace, acquiring which I will be satisfied. I have surpassed the thoughts of my peers cause they are still lost in the mazes of studies, relationships and mostly a materialistic life which does not interest me anymore, call it weird for my age but I prefer to remain different. Satisfaction through materialistic gains are short lived, the present generation is always looking for something new and exciting all the time and tend to get bored easily, and so am I. There is a constant penchant to do something different all the time, something which will keep my brain cells working all the time. Theatre which I have completely immersed myself into does seem challenging and quite tiring but Im already on the lookout for something new again. People call it impatience or lack of concentration but only I know what the actual truth is which I refuse to divulge cause they will never understand the quest for change. I did find few people in the workshop who share my views and Im glad that Im not alone. I often say that my peers are culturally dead, they are free to contradict me but in my opinion they have nothing else to talk about other than the materialistic world, I have found a handful who are looking for a deeper meaning of life. Glad to know that what they find in their peers, they call trash. As they say that ‘all that glitters is not gold’ well all the outer put-up’s by the so-called ‘in’ people are also nothing but hollow. But as every individual is different which is the true essence of the word individual, we all have different reasons to be satisfied, some may find it in artificial possessions while the rest find it in inner peace its all a matter of choice.

Splash! Splash! Splash!

The rains were most welcome yesterday and a relief to most of the city-dwellers. Though complaints about water-logging were heard just about everywhere, the rain was enjoyed by almost everyone. I have always loved getting wet in the rain and yesterday was no exception and the best part was crossing Tank Bund on the bike with Vaishali whom I know from my workshop. Tank Bund was at its prettiest, covered in a gray rainy mist with nothing visible on the other side due to the heavy showers....Buddha turned into a shade of brown rather than its usual gray hue and as we moved forward the golden disc began to show itself from behind the clouds to cast a golden hue over the whole setting. More than anything it reminded me of the lead confirmatory test we used to perform in the chemistry lab...where we were supposed to mix certain chemicals to produce golden spangles suspended in the test solution, here the only difference was that those golden spangles were natural and seemed to be suspended in the air which made me want to reach out and grab them but at the same time I just wanted to stop and marvel nature at its best on a rainy day. A most romantic setting to be enjoyed with your partner, but what do you do when you are single? Well as my infallible spirit says ‘you have yourself so enjoy the gorgeous view with your solitude, be at peace with yourself and feel the silence reverberating within you not to complain about it but to enjoy it.’ It was certainly picturesque and it transported me four months back in time when I was sitting on Beasant Nagar Beach in Chennai early in the morning when it was cloudy with the sky casting a gray shadow over the waters making it look murky, mysterious and hence exciting and dangerously enticing but nonetheless peaceful among the crashing of the waves. But here Tank Bund was transformed as I like to call it a concrete beach. Well it just might turn out as my substitute for a beach in Hyderabad without the sand and the usual activities of a beach only if it would let go of its unbearable stench!

Theatre

Been a long time since I wrote here...will give the usual excuse of not having time but ya there have been too many ideas to write about and too less a time to put them on paper. Life is blissfully busy again...and I don’t mind running or rather sprinting to keep up with it! I make sure that Im so tired by the end of the day that when I crawl into bed I fall asleep within seconds giving myself no time to think or recollect. Leaving aside the effects of the past on my present, theatre has been a welcome change in my life where in I have learnt to shed my inhibitions and feel more at ease with my limitations and shortcomings. It has even helped me in taking criticism in a good way, rather than bogging me down which initially it did I have learnt to take it in my stride. Looking at different emotions coming into play when different roles are being essayed only reminds me of Shakespeare quoting in Tempest, ‘all world’s a stage and every man has his part to play’. It depends on us how well we play this part assigned to us. The pure fun that I have in those three hours in the workshop is rejuvenating after being emotionally drained out over the last few months. Though I choose not to share the jokes with anyone else cause first and foremost they will not understand the workings and atmosphere of theatre and secondly it would butcher the pleasant memories. Im glad I have something worthwhile to keep myself busy for the next two months and hope to make full use of it!

Future Beckons

The past is finally behind me in many ways...cause I have to be honest to myself as I still brood about the past, not so much as before nor does it hurt anymore, just a feeling of remorse sets in which I manage to shake off in no time. But now with a new aspect of theatre opening up in front of me thanks to my close friend Niyati has managed to breathe new life into me...just the thought of it excites me, so just wondering how exciting will it be to involve myself completely into it! This Friday will always remain with me as a fond remembrance where in Niyati came like a breath of fresh air adeptly managed to solve most of my problems without even realising it! I cant seem to wait for 12th when I begin with the workshop. Extremely excited about the future which is enticing me with promises of being more stable, intellectualling stimulating, fulfilling at the same time fun-filled and I can hardly wait to live it!!! Finally I will be writing about something more other than the drudgeries of life. I was waiting to burst out with my creativity and finally I seem to have found something challenging enough...and I promise to be at my creative best during the next two months. So this is wishing myself luck and all the joy to opening up to life and living every moment of it to the fullest!!!

Phases Of Life

Im trying my best to take life as it comes...not to think of the silence but of the peace that I have in my life now. Every moment is different in its own way. If I try to think of the whole day ahead of me it feels as if things are coming crashing down but when I take each moment at a time it seems more manageable...less imposing. The past still hurts in its own way but considerably less than how it did just a few days back. Life can never be dull, it has its own ups and downs to keep you always on your toes. It helps to accept the different phases of life without revolting, each being diverse manages to show you the different sides of people and situations. The phase that Im experiencing right now is special in its own way cause it brings me closer to my family and gives me immense pleasure to feel that bonding which I had lost all these months. The phase that I had gone through before was also special where in life brought me close to a very special person a helped me discover the other side of life. I cant say that each phase was better than the other cause both are special in their own places but yes I all I can do is to live and cherish each moment of everything. The past will remain with me as fond memories and the present will be enjoyed to the maximum. The difference between the two phases is so immense it is taking me a lot of effort to adjust to the changes but seriously its worth the effort! Well all I can hope is to maintain my balance in life and move on. Being saying this often to myself to keep peace...the past is over and done, time to let go completely and by that I mean letting go of all the memories which hurt. Its difficult and I can feel it and the only thing that keeps me going is my own mantra that life has so much more to offer so open up to it...

Peace...At Last

Finally I seem to have found peace within myself...after all these months of fighting I have truly managed to survive and at the same time retain my sanity. Advice from Abhinav helped a lot and I cant stop thanking you for helping me out of it... I really wonder what I would have done without the your’s and Pista’s patient listening to my grievances. It does help a lot to walk away from something which hurts you no end, apart from that letting go of all the bitterness finally allows you to regain the peace which I had lost and was craving to get back. There are times when the memories still hurt but I manage to push them aside as the past and move on by keeping myself busy with other things. Now, only when Im reminded of them do they come back to me not otherwise and Im glad for that. Today I can say that my efforts in opening up to life have finally paid off...cause today I have finally opened up to life and taste it in its different forms. As usual I enjoy being left alone, thoroughly enjoy the company which I give to myself, my thoughts and my ideas only to me...the peace is delirious!!! Im enjoying every moment of it and this time I refuse to let go it...

Letting Go...This Time Completely

Had enough of the illusions of hopes that things would be fine again and life would return to normal but alas life tends to throw troubles at you when you don’t need them. All the allegations, accusations and judgments... I have had enough of them, yet time and again I ask how much more do I have to hear but the whole process keeps repeating itself. So this time I choose to completely walk away. Last time also I did it but kept walking back for reasons unknown even to me, this time after so much looks like my own feet are not willing to go back neither does my brain or heart. Feels like I need a complete break from everything...and when I say everything I mean absolutely everything from people to places and this time even technology. Just feel like experiencing the peace of Munnar again where I wont have my mobile ringing to disturb me or the net beckoning me to check my mail.
I refuse to acknowledge people who have no other work other than throwing judgments and accusing others, I just want to be on my own to regain my oldself... be it even for courtesy I will not do it. I refuse to do something which I don’t like...been quiet since yesterday. I don’t feel like opening up either inspite of being surrounded by people all day I manage to detach myself, completely withdraw myself not because Im thinking something but it seems to be instinctive where I don’t want to share my feelings with anyone around me lest Im emotionally dependent again only to get hurt once more. All this while I have been vocal about my feelings but today its my silence to be heard and understood. I was complaining about the silence which had set into my life but today Im choosing that very same silence for peace and the healing that I require.

Are Looks Really Deceptive???

It is often said that looks are deceptive that’s why we go by the saying never judge a book by its cover. The first impression made by us on a person usually lasts for a lifetime cause first impression is the last impression. A keen sense of observation will usually have something else to tell. People who look innocent and sweet are the first ones to turn their backs on you or quietly stab you in your back. Change in attitude is common, usually easy to accept due to changing situations but a double-faced person is not easy to live with. The habit of observing people which I have developed over the years does come to my help in judging people...the ones thought to be sweet, innocent and caring are something else behind the façade which right now only I can see and only time will tell when others will see the same things...its only a matter of time. The sly look can never escape my eyes. Im thankful that life has shown me various situations, pleasant or otherwise it has been a learning experience and a much better understanding of the nuances of life or more like the mysterious inter-working of the heart and brain. They say Geminians are double-faced, but life shows something else where mostly people falling under other sun-signs are double-faced and not the Geminis!!! But seriously the whole thing simply boils down to the fact that never trust anyone on face-value...believe none other than yourself.

Changing Perspectives

The world around you is the way you tend to see it...basically it depends on your perspective. The same way when something is said it also depends on the way you take it, on one side you may take things in a good way where you want to improve yourself but the worst arises when things said are misunderstood. Today was just reflecting on the past during my evening walks when I always manage to feel one with nature, that all this while I have been telling myself to open up to life when it has so much to offer yet I haven’t been able to do so whole-heartedly cause somewhere something is stopping me or holding me back. Its all in the mind, its only when you let your mind open up to the surroundings is when you can open up to life completely. Letting go of the past is difficult as I said before but the process for me has begun and I have come a long way when things said or done don’t matter to me so much like it did in the past. Time to look for stability when I can see such drastic changes around me. The past does hurt no doubt not because it was bad but due to the fact that I had to let it go on such a bad note but, what is the use of holding onto something which gives me happiness but not the people around me who matter the most to me. Words of encouragement comes from close quarters which does help a lot, quoting ‘place me in your past see me if you have to see a wrong face, listen to my voice if past bad conversations hurt you, feel me around you standing strong to protect you.’ It is better to feel the good things of the past which have still remained with me rather than the ones which have left me and remembering them now hurts like hell. Yet advice again from Abhinav helps where I came to actually thank life for giving me a chance to experience something completely different, to be close to someone other than my family, to observe someone so closely, share secrets, jokes, comments, dreams, hopes and aspirations. It was a wonderful time when I had someone who would listen to me patiently for hours together without uttering one word lest I get disturbed in my usual sob stories of life!!! How I miss that patient ear now only I know but I still move on cause I still have that but now in a different form and Im not complaining. Looking back does hurt but when Im overcome with nostalgia more than the fights there are beautiful memories which I will cherish forever. It did manage to teach me lot of things and harsh realities of life. I have often complained that the past year ripped me off my peace of mind but on the brighter side it taught me the ways of life not to mention the working of the human brain with its varied interests. As I say life is too short for holding grudges or having regrets I manage to take life as it comes which might be sweet, bitter or sour...

Exams...Ugh!!!

God help me! Its end of march yet again and as usual Im practically killing myself over exams. After freaking out the whole year its time to hit the books and it makes me see stars in broad daylight. I havn't been sleeping, eating or blogging properly for the last few days which is the main source of my existence yet Im living to face the two hour torture of my theory papers. But looking at things on the brighter side, the torture gets over within two hours and Im glad for that unlike others who have to sit for three hours. Can't wait till this torture gets over cause it seems to be worse than Chinese torture, not that I have faced the Chinese torture but as they say that its human nature to perceive that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Hope to maintain my sanity till the end of exams!!!

Double Standards

Everywhere there are double standards from utilising people as mentioned before to portraying something which one is not. I don't understand how can they be double faced??? Show what you are or rather be what you are not something which you are not just to fit into a group. They show something when told about the situation and something else behind the person's back. Just wonder to what extent they can change themselves or manipulate the others. Having fun at other people's expense wonder how long will it last. I hate doing it but I can't help but mock at them. Some of them seem to suffer from attention deficient disorder when they want attention from the opposite sex and will do anything for it, even break a relationship. Portray themselves as being very pious and spiritual but only the victims know what these people actually are...hell raisers. I have never been spiteful against anyone but right now its like instinctively Im abusing and cursing these people, yet the way of life which I have seen makes me realise that only time will tell how long such groups will last which I know out of experience is not long. Groupism in college is one thing which never lasts specially with these people who maintain double standards. Today they will associate with one group tomorrow with someone else, and they call this stability...ya right makes me wanna gag!!! Never lose your identity cause once it is gone it sums upto losing everything in life, when I see these people around me changing I end up thinking that today so early in their life if they are so insecure what will they do later on??? So influenced by other people that it makes me wanna hammer them hard to knock some sense into their heads, to learn to take their own decisions and deciding their own life for themselves. But in the end I know its a waste of time and energy barking up the wrong tree. Eventually they will tell me one thing and do something else...makes me all the more angrier even tough I know its a sheer waste of time. So now I have stopped and frankly after all this while it has stopped making so much of a difference, it still does hurt but not like before and Im glad for that. Its only a matter of time before realisation hits them and by then Im over and out...

Hope

They say never take away the hope from people cause most of the time thats the only thing they are left with. But at the same time never give hope and snatch it away, you never know you may just be snatching away the life from them. Hope is the only thing which sustains life, you have hope and you have your life...the trials and tribulations are all momentary but your hopes remain with you no matter what, and it is only hope that helps you overcome every difficulty in life. Hope is something which I refuse to give up now. Its hard to let go of everything and start afresh but I have made an effort and Im moving on 'alone'. To live life again, to open up to life and welcome it with open arms takes a lot of effort than what one might think, but its worth it. There are times when it feels nice but there are also times when I end up feeling lonely, thats when my logic comes into play and I stop myself. Life has so much to offer so why restrict myself??? It helps a lot to interact with new people, visit new places, all are temporary no doubt, yet the only permanent feeling is of the strength inside oneself. Nothing can be more satisfying than staying in the same place and facing the problems. That is true courage. Cowardice is not the way of life though I see it all around me its their personal choice when they give up hope on life. How can life be so short, filled with such few things??? Yet we all restrict life, give up hope which is the biggest mistake we make. Its a herculean task to open up to life again but Im glad Im making an effort to open up and live life again!!!

Wounds

Where there is good there is evil, so where there is happiness you are bound to get hurt. Life always manages to throw surprises at you specially at the times when you don't need them. There are sometimes when you have had enough and can't take anymore yet you end up facing more difficulties, trials and tribulations. People you thought would stick by you are the first to desert you, the ones whom you ignored before are the ones who stick by you. New people, new places all make a lot of difference but the wounds which are left behind to deal with refuse to heal. Trust once broken takes a lifetime to rebuild, wounds take even longer to heal, memories to be forgotten...life to be rebuild and finally move ahead. One relapse and the wounds are fresh again...one tiny coincidence is also enough. One mention of some passing incident and Im back into the same old depression...wonder when will the memories go, when will the wounds heal??? Earlier the smallest things would give the greatest joys and now those same things give the worst pain possible. Im tired of the fingers being pointed and of all the accusations, no doubt I have walked away from the situation but how can I walk away from my thoughts where the only question thats keeps coming up is 'why?', 'why all this nonsense?' Move on, life has more to offer... I keep saying this all the time and I have followed it to a great extent it will take me a great deal of time but Im not going to give up, I have been a survivor and I will emerge a survivor even this time.

Letting Go...

All good things come to an end and it is difficult to come to terms when it ends on a bitter note. Letting go of everything which so long gave you all the joy and happiness is not easy. The usual feeling of emptiness sets in, everything seems to be so quiet around me, a weird stillness has taken the place of the chirpiness I had and its not comforting. The only thing which seems to comfort me now is writing down whatever I feel, cause when I do I don't realise how the time has flown by and at the same time I find myself at peace. I have been analysing the situation around me but of no avail. It only manages to cause more confusion inside me. People of late have been commenting about the nature of my writing, saying that it has become depressive but I choose to remain in the same reflective state of mind as it gives me the peace I require. I have been trying to keep myself busy more like not leaving my brain idle but inspite of everything its difficult to forget something which had initially given the peace which I had craved for and the happiness it had brought with it. The stillness that has set in is unnerving, difficult to get over sometimes. Everything has two sides so does this situation the stillness is peaceful once in a while, when I choose the silence but more often than not I don't like it. But I think this is what you call life, which is never stable today what the situation wasn't like this yesterday and optimism tells me that it won't be like this tomorrow. Life moves on and Im not willing to let it stop...