Musings

Stuck in traffic today I started to muse at how Hyderabad has changed in a matter of few years or rather has become the part of a flat world. The very road on which I was stuck in traffic could be driven through at the speed of nothing less than 80 km/hr, and this situation existed not more than 6 years ago. I have seen branded outlets mushrooming in my neighbourhood, which not so long ago used to a heaven of greenery nestled in the middle of a peaceful cantonment area.

‘Thoughts are like runaway horses’, someone had rightly said. Having long accepted that I usually give myself up to a train of thoughts which have often surprised me at how much of finer details I can remember about many experiences. So today my train of thoughts led me to think about my last trip to Calcutta about which I have written here. As I have said before I was both shocked and amused at how little globalization has managed to touch Calcutta, which seems to have blissfully remained in its ivory tower of isolation resisting the onslaught of modernization. This led to me reminiscence about Burdwan in which I have spent a good chunk of 4 years.

Those days, Im talking about the early 90’s when the Indian Economy had just begun its laborious process of opening up, people in Burdwan hadn’t quite heard of a Mercedes and literally gawked at the car. I wonder today what would be their reaction if they saw a spanking new BMW let alone a Mercedes, along with the whole plethora of auto companies which have flooded the market. Has it still remained that quaint little town which I had left 11 years ago? On impulse I Googled it, and to my utter surprise I found that modernization has indeed made its way to Burdwan which now even vaunts of an IT park. But like Calcutta it has still retained its charm of the old world, the days in which life wasn’t so complicated. Curzon Gate, BC Road, the lakes, near one of which I used to stay; have all remained the same and some day like the true wanderer that I am, I hope to pass this quaint town taking in the slow and peaceful life which I have so come to miss.

Bedlam

Life, my mind and most of all my heart has managed to surprise me, I've never been so taken aback by my own reactions in the past. All these days I thought I was above such feelings and certain situations could not affect me let alone un-nerve me completely. Probably it is because all these days I had a habit of locking up emotions which were disturbing, in a part of my head which was safely pad-locked; but now I find the that the lock has long been broken, the doors refuse to close and Im flooded by a plethora of emotions. Im left wondering if this recent development is good or bad, because all this while I felt quite numb or rather I chose to think so, as it now turns out to be.
Slowly Im beginning to miss the comfort of the pseudo numbness and one thing that I know for sure is that, it is going to take quite some time before I get back to that comfort zone. By the time that happens I hope Im not hurting more than I already am.

Mumbai

The terrorists are finished with, but the terror and aftermath are far from over. The anguish and pain for the families who have lost their loved ones will never be over. What happened was needless, mindless and ruthless. For the last two days I have been glued to the TV with myriad emotions passing through me, the main being anger, expressing which I wasn't alone.
We have often talked about the resilient spirit of India in her various cities. It was Hyderabad, Jaipur,Bangalore, Delhi, Assam and now its Mumbai all over again. Its only now that Im starting to see the seething anger that the citizens of Mumbai are feeling, questioning how many times more have we to show resilience; why is it that we have to show resilience; why cant we feel safe in our own country? I am hearing people talking about bringing in the Army rule to declaring Emergency but what remains to be seen is that how far we, as Indians, can carry forward this anger. Only time will tell if this horrific incident becomes one of the many which have been forgotten or will we be able to live up to our promise to Mumbaikars in saying that we will not forget this and not let it pass into forgotten history.
While I try to write this I cant help but mull over the ironic fate of Mumbai. From the title of Sreenivasan Jain's ongoing program which says 'Heroes & Villains' to the very fact that it was the Bihar Regiment which saved Mumbai, just weeks after Biharis were unceremoniously walloped out of Mumbai. There are people questioning the whereabouts of Raj Thackeray. There were reports that he had the audacity to try and attend Karkare's funeral where he was categorically asked to leave, though many say that he should have been booted out there are others who say that he should have been lynched. I have received numerous smses all day asking, "where is Raj Thackeray and his 'brave' Sena? It was the NSG comprising of North & South Indians, not a single Maharashtrian which saved Mumbai" and requesting the receiver to forward this sms to as many people possible so that finally it reaches the 'coward bully'. This was one chain sms which I certainly didn't mind forwarding but personally I feel that much more is needed than a few smses to tell him what a nuisance and shame he is to our country.
It is heart-rending to see relatives arrive full of hope at the information centres and subsequently leaving shattered, hearing the inevitable which was brought about so cruelly. Amongst all this angst we had not one word of support from our politicians, oh yes, our Honorable PM looked like a wax doll and his words which were meant to soothe were irritating. The head of the defence forces, our President is blissfully mum and more conveniently out of the picture.
These are the few issues which have come to the forefront due to this incident and the more I dwell on them the angrier I get. I just hope that as we are now saying that India stands with Mumbai, we should not forget and forgive to ensure that these incidents never repeat.

Kolkata

Its been more than a week since I got back from Kolkata and everytime I tried explaining what I felt during that time I found myself at a complete loss for words. It was certainly a trip down memory lane for me but never did I expect the present to resemble so closely to the past. Kolkata hasn't changed a bit in the last 6 years. Yes, there have been attempts of modernization in the form of scattered high-rises to mushrooming malls yet nothing has changed.

Its now been a month and everytime I try to finish this post I still find myself at a loss to describe the trip which Im glad I took but also glad that Im back to Hyderabad. I guess this is something too personal to be described and I will leave it at that.

City Of Joy

Its been more than 6 years since I moved out of that place and strangely after all these years Im quite excited about my trip to Calcutta(who calls it Kolkata anyway) next week. I find it even weirder because the very noise and clutter of the city is drawing me to itself now, even though I had despised it when I stayed there and amazingly managed to call it home for nearly 5 years inspite of being name-tagged as 'Probashi'. Now, as I look back into the time I spent there I recollect feeling absolutely surprised at the zest people had for life(read food) back then and I wonder if it is still the same. I could almost vouch that Calcutta had the maximum number of eateries among the metros, for you would find atleast one eating joint tucked away in an obscure corner of an equally obscure alley or by-lane and surprisingly doing roaring business.

That city can be quite a treat for someone who is foodie like me. Calcuttans have a penchant for coming up with their own version of world-wide cuisines and weird names for their dishes.Lunch-times at Camac street were always a riot with the Calcutta Chinese fried-rice(which I can assure you wont find anywhere else) to the Bengali dosa & sambar. I particularly remember the Bengali sambar being quite scandalous with some of our South-Indian friends who couldn't quite digest the absolute sweetness of it(to make it palatable for Bongs with a sweet tooth) and also the extra assortment of vegetables added to it which included cauliflower, cabbage & peas much to their horror and our amusement. But apart from such quaint dishes the city does promise some mouth-watering experiences which Im eagerly looking forward too and probably for the first time I have actually planned a trip around food along with accessibility to eating joints.

Im looking forward to passing through the areas where I lived and frequented to see if modernity has taken its toll on Calcutta or has it remained the same old quintessentially Calcutta. There is more to be written and will be done so after I get back.

Sands Of Time

I am still trying to grasp the fact that the sands of our time together has run out or should I say blown away. All that is left behind are ruins of the place which both of us had so lovingly built. Ruins remain around us today because of your choices and my decision to walk away from something which hurt me so badly. I wonder if the foundations of our structure were so weak that they could not weather the first storm that came its way. A storm which you chose to bring in and it left everything in its path devastated. I still haunt the places which we frequented so much in our times, but that doesn't satiate my senses because I'm conjuring up images of the bygone. What I see as reality are the ruins and they gloweringly remind me of a beautiful past and the present wreck created due to personal choices. I can still see the sun of yesterday rising in its full glory in our Eden, casting its golden rays on our happiness. I still see the sun rising and casting its golden rays, but now on the ruins, searching in its own way for us, for the laughter that echoed through the alleys, for the snippets of conversations that reverberated.
There is a certain inevitability to certain things, and so was the decadence. The only whisper that I hear are the words which were so often spoken to each other:

"If you're cold I'll keep you warm
If you're low just hold on
Cause I will be your safety."

You chose to move on and now so do I.

We The People: Scarlett Keeling

First and foremost my heart goes out to Scarlett and her mother Fiona for what has happened, cause whatever might be the circumstances, a girl does not deserve to be raped and murdered.
Of all the episodes of 'We The People' that I have watched, this particular special edition based on the murder of Scarlett Keeling, with due apologies was the most irritating. Barkha Dutt is no doubt a good journalist who has managed to change the face of journalism in India where she brought the war scenarios of not only Kashmir but also Afghanistan to Indian homes. I still remember one Kargil War documentary of hers on Capt. Vikram Batra who was killed in action just days after being interviewed and that programme shook the whole nation but today her programme makes the right noises about the burning issues disturbing our country but it stays at that, just making noises and nothing else. Understood that there are time constraints but why aren't the people allowed to finish their statements, allegations and questions? But apart from that the most annoying factor about today was the complete change of course of the discussion. It started off as a discussion or rather a debate about the Scarlett Keeling murder and then suddenly moved on to a debate between the outsiders and insiders in Goa.
Outsider and insiders??? What exactly is wrong with us? What is wrong with us not only as individuals but also as citizens of a country which has all this while taken pride in calling herself secular? I ask, where has all this secularism gone?
It has definitely vanished in Mumbai or rather Maharashtra per se, where innocent migrant labourers were ousted from the state for not belonging to that state and surprisingly many film stars have also signed a letter supporting this act not realising that the set and technical work of their films are done mostly by these very people who are termed outsiders in their very own country. India is a country which has been a melting pot of different cultures and religions, we prided ourselves with being the most tolerant country but where has all that gone? We are now terming our own countrymen as outsiders in different states. Is this what you call tolerance? How can I be an outsider in my own country? I am born and brought up in Hyderabad inspite of being a Bengali; so does that mean I am an outsider in Andhra Pradesh which I have called home for the last 18 years of my life. If this is the level of tolerance with our own countrymen then how can we say that our country is tolerant towards outsiders?
The Scarlett Keeling murder was a shocker for most of us. A rape and murder of a 15 year old girl has exposed the long hidden but omnipresent underbelly of Goa which hides drugs, sex and rave parties in its shrouds. There are many ways of looking at this situation, but what comes to my mind right now based on my own experiences, not in Goa but in other parts of the country with foreigners forming the majority of tourists is nothing but the mixing of two cultures which has given rise to a confused sub-culture. In India sex has always been a taboo and its only now that it is being talked about in the open but not openly, and more often than not we as Indians are asked to nurture a subtle sexuality which has lead to frustration in many sects of the society. Today when this frustration has found a tiny opening it has burst out of its fortress. Its not only foreigners who are being targeted but we Indians also bear the brunt of this burst of sexuality. I remember my trip to Rajasthan where I noticed the men openly staring at the foreigners just because they were dressed in shorts and short tops. Those men just couldn't stop leering and ogling at them, just because of the way they were dressed. As far as sexuality goes the western world has always been quite open about it and don't have any qualms flaunting multiple partners, but this is not the case in India and this has sadly led to a situation where we look at foreigners as amorous and promiscuous people. Yes, there have been cases where some Russian girl forced herself on a Goan but that doesn't mean we generalise foreigners as amorous. There are conservative families even among them. Why is it that most often than not women are looked down upon as mere sex objects meant to give pleasure and then discarded once the fascination is over? Was Scarlett's rape and murder due to this attitude towards foreigners or the general attitude towards women of any race? Only time will tell.

Farewell Time

Another institution, another farewell, another bagful of memories to carry along, another place to move on to. I complete this cycle for the third and I guess for the final time. It will be my third farewell as a student on this coming Wednesday, Im sure to carry along with me a whole load of memories which I can recollect to smile and laugh at the foolishness of youth.
Yesterday was my last day as a student attending college, not only was it the last day in college but also my last day as a student. No more late submissions, worries about pending practical records or for that matter low attendance, but thinking back they had their own charm. Its surprising how vividly I recalled my first day in college and contrasted it with the changes that have taken place within me. There have been many eye-openers, by-gones and yes, letting go. Its been quite sometime I stopped worrying about exams, marks and its likes; certainly not to the extent of showing nonchalance about them but now I do realise they are not the end of the world.
For 3 years I struggled through the gruelling (well almost) schedules, complained no end yet at the end of everything I get nostalgic the moment I think about the days gone by. More than the place I will miss the times spent there. The times we spent snickering at some silly comment, giving proxies, bunking classes and hanging out in the canteen, giggling with impunity in the library, sitting in the last bench and stuffing our faces with food during a class, trying our level best to stay awake during the most boring classes or even giggling at a grammatical mistake made by the lecturers. I will miss the times when we created a ruckus in the basket ball court (our favourite haunt), or screamed our lungs out at the sight of a lizard (on the contrary I guess the poor creature was terrified hearing 46 girls screaming) and even those times when we ran from the Princi for not being in the proper dress code! The way we ducked under the tables at the mention of a seminar or showed complete non cooperative behaviour at the mere mention of a test, even the times when we bombed an apparatus in the Chemistry Lab. never fail to make me smile.
There are so many memories like this over which even now we laugh and Im sure even if we all get together after years at an alumni meet the charm of college days will never wear away.

Times Gone By

The pre-farewell prayer service yesterday brought back memories from that sultry day in June 3 years ago when I stepped into the college campus, looked up at the imposing building and wondered when the stipulated 3 years would be up and I would be on my way out to experience the world on my own terms. Little did I know that it was in this very place I would have the most valuable lessons taught about life. Now, 3 years later I emerge from college as a much wiser person, thanking my surroundings and all that came with it for the lessons I learnt from them.



Lessons aside, I have made great friends, who have managed to chip the wall which the cynic inside me had build up as a shield against the world and shown me that certainly all hope is not lost for humanity. Looking around the building for one of the final times I realised that every nook and corner held a special memory. They held memories of the times we laughed at some silly joke, passed a comment or simply laughed because we wanted to. They held memories of confiding in each other, of trust being broken, of forging new friendships and most of all finding out what we really wanted from life.



In a week's time I bid adieu to the building which has given me a sense of belonging and peace in its antiquity and also my class consisting of people I have now come to appreciate after 3 long years. Contrary to what I thought there is an element of sadness in my heart to leave behind a sanctuary of 3 years, to leave those nooks and corners which I often haunted when I just wanted to withdraw myself from the world and wanted time for myself. There is feeling of nostalgia when I look around myself and absorb the way these 3 years have made me evolve into a person that I am.



Gone are times when we stood in the Chemistry lab trying to figure out what went wrong with the experiment, staring in absolute shock at the remnants of the bombed test tube in hand and the giggling faces around. Sorely missed are those times in the Physics lab when we combined readings and experiments, to get the records certified as our only aim. Remembered are those times when we imitated the lecturers under their nose, got caught yet behaved with impunity. It was obvious that at that moment we were scolded, but now as the last day draws closer, those days are remembered in the true colours of their humour by both students and lecturers. We face the last class in each subject with excitement of never having the to bear the torture of sitting through the examination of each paper; but at the same time there is also an inkling of sadness as the comfort of returning to those classes after exams is not there nor will there be anymore exchange of notes, mischievous glances, sarcastic retorts and the eternal scoldings. Nostalgia sets in when we remember the times we spent hanging out of the buses due to the crowd and still laughed at how we all had managed to adapt to our ever changing environment in college.

Even though 3 years have passed by it still feels like it was just yesterday I had walked into college for the first time, looked at my classmates and thought that the 3 years would feel like eternity. But doesn't it always feel like that when you are going through it? Only after the time has gone by do you wonder at the lightening speed of time.

I can never put down in words describing the time I spent in college, cause they are as diverse as they could be. But this is cheering college life for giving me what I needed in a mixture of the good, bad and the ugly!!!

Eve Teasing

The ever increasing eve-teasing has been creating a furore over the last few months in our country. But what has actually been done about it? There still aren't any stringent laws against eve-teasing, cause as the patriarchal society which exists, the common notion is that the victim would have invited the unwanted attention. After all Eve is considered a seductress hence the name: eve-teasing. From childhood as girls we have been taught to ignore the lewd comments and glances to avoid unpleasant scenarios, but in a way isn't it encouraging the perpetators? I have also faced eve-teasing and nowadays it has become such a regular phenomenon that reacting is basic instinct to an event which has integrated itself in our everyday life. How long can you tolerate strangers brushing past you or some pervert minded fellow stripping you naked with his glances?

The weirdest part of the whole situation is that the maximum number of eve-teasing cases are reported in India where ironically we worship 'Shakti' which represents the active, dynamic principles of feminine power. The Shakti goddess is also known as Amma (meaning 'mother') in south India, especially in the states of Tamil Nadu,Kerala and Andhra Pradesh. There are many temples devoted to various incarnations of the Shakti goddess in most of the villages in South India. The rural people believe that Shakti is the protector of the village, the punisher of evil people, the curer of diseases, and the one who gives welfare to the village. They celebrate Shakti Jataras with a lot of hue and great interest once a year. Some examples of incarnations are Gangamma, Aarti, Kamakshamma, Kanakadurga, Mahalakshmammma, Meeenakshamma, Poleramma and Perantalamma.

Sardonically it is in this very country that we women are targetted at every nook and corner to be abused, harrassed and molested. There probably won't be a single woman who hasn't been leered at, gestured at or pinched. The glances that we get is enough to cause a psychological rape and you wouldn't want to know what is going on in the perpetator's head.

Sadly this is a prank or a time-pass for many. I was shocked to see its existence on Facebook when I typed in 'eve-teasing' to search for any communities against it, but was taken by surprise when I saw that the search threw up users whose interests were eve-teasing. Is this what our world is coming to? I try not to judge it as a scenario where the morals are diminishing cause I know that among the men-folk there are ones who raise their voice against this heinous crime but sadly they are only a handful.

Being at the receiving end I can only hope for a stringent law to be put in place, even if doesn't help atleast the fear of being reported should exist.

Lessons Learnt

Life is a different history.
Many a times I have heard this and oft repeated it to myself, reiterated the lessons learnt in life and today has been no different but for the fact that it gave me more than I expected to learn.
Patience, yes patience is the key to solving every problem.Never, I mean never take people on their face value.It certainly takes a lot of patience and perseverance to maintain your poise in times of trouble.It takes cool logic and cold practicality to unnerve the other person.
This was my way of showing those people who took me for granted that I can hold my ground even while I feel your cold eyes piercing through my existence and that I certainly do not, I repeat do not believe in taking the easy way out of situations and life per se.
There are many lessons to be learnt and I await them will all the eagerness that I can summon.

The End:Part 2

Well, I have to admit I was wrong and for the first time I concede to let go and welcome all that is new in fresh light. I had wondered and waited for the day when you would walk up to me and say, 'see what goes around does come around, even in the worst possible situations.' It amazes me the way you managed to bring everything into one complete circle, easing out my mind in the process and strengthening me in an unexpected way. Thank you, my dear friend for showing the cynic in me that all is not lost that there is still hope, for showing the silver lining which all this while I refused to see.

Truly the ironies of life never cease.

There are three full circles that we have come. I wait patiently for the others.

Freedom

Received my passport and heaven knows why it fills me with a strange excitement and a cautious approach at the same time. I yearn to see an airline ticket tucked between the pages of that passport and a visa stamped on it to a faraway land, probably someday Antarctica! A quaint yearning, but that place still remains mystical to me in every way. Probably because I was fascinated by the Snow Queen and all the evil she portrayed, wondering in the innocence of my childhood, that how could anyone be so cruel to snatch love; the very essence of warmth in our lives...but later realised that is exactly what this world embodies.

Antarctica. A sheer white blanket enveloping the surroundings, stripping down all illusion with the dazzling sunlight and chill, to bring you down on your knees to admit the ferocity of Nature. I wish to be there, to be able to look towards a blinding horizon, feel the biting cold and the much needed silence around me. To be able to admire the beauty of Nature in monotone. A colour which is synonymous with my name. To admire the chaste beauty and the splendour without any jarring or meltdown of colours, just conformity yet a different spectacle everytime I turn.Feel the freedom of standing atop an iceberg and imagine myself soaring through the skies, without boundaries, limitations or shackles of an ephemeral life, into the inky black space and look back with a fondness of the times that have gone by. Feel the time stand still around me and yet see that it has sped away.

This is what I perceive as freedom, which does not mean freedom in terms of space or dimension but of the mind; by which I can travel to any place, any era, quench my thirst with all that I want. This is my freedom, which can be conquered by none.

Independence

Ambiguous, probably diabolical in its own context. An illusion in its own way, which gives a fleeting sense of euphoria and in the end like all, ends in doubt. Its very definition remains cloudy yet blatantly specified. A mirage which projects the desired.

If it existed in everything surrounding us including our own being then why the dependence on others, emotionally. As I believe that the universe is an extension of my thoughts, actions or rather my whole existence per se; then why do we need someone else to fill the void of this universe? Humans as we are, independence is another illusion that life shows.

Content

Content finally with what I have achieved so far. I know there is still a long way to go, for there are many adventures, experiences, situations and places awaiting my arrival but for now Im glad that I dont have anything on hand. I have fulfilled my promise of helping, of support when needed in any form.

Im content finally with a secured future for both of us with the hope in our hearts to rise to heights which we have never dreamed of. This space might never be able to express what exactly I feel, but this time I guess my relaxed poise shows the way I have formed this post. All the same this is cheering life for all the ironies it has made me experience and also for the fact that it has given me the first step towards looking back on life in a few years to say, 'Yes, I had fallen but now look how high I have reached. This, my dear is life and life is a different history.'

Natural Speed Breakers

Ever wondered why the traffic came to a sudden grinding halt? Well on Indian roads here is why...

Time Stands Still Here

on the shores of eternity,

how I wish to be there again,

someday,sometime.

Illusions

Illusions are not new to me, but what I search as I mentioned before comes alive with a burning desire...at mere sights or sometimes even a touch. Now I ask myself is it merely an illusion? Is it something that once acquired will cease to exist after its stipulated time is over? Will I be left bereft of what I once owned and cherished, only to look out towards a blazing desert with the quintessential spirit of life, ready to scorch my feet and acquire what my heart desires the most. Scorching my feet to soak the pleasure to acquire the desired is quite different from a situation where even my soul might be scorched. Is it worth the effort of singeing my spirit and flight of dreams? An illusion which temporarily shows me what I want to see...satisfies my senses but leaves me lonely when it disappears with the break of daylight. I hope that it wont fade away with time, for time erodes everything, even beautiful memories. Memories might be the only thing left at the end of time. But again hope is just one of the delusions to deal with.

The Unexpected

Life has an uncanny way of showing things you never wanted to see, or throwing diabolical situations at you at times when you really dont need them. It does prove in its own way that it is never predictable, just when you thought you were in control something goes haywire. Isn't it said that 'man proposes and God disposes'. Of God apart life surely manages to spring surprises...of bitter-sweet situations or love from unexpected quarters.
Life in other words as I perceive is nothing but a situation where you want to see something and see something else, something is happening and you want something else to happen...in a nutshell it can be beautiful and gory at the same time.
Times when I know everything is right and yet feel something is amiss I remember the lines of 'Il pleure dans mon coeur' by Paul Verlaine which translates into

There is weeping in my heart
like the rain falling on the town.
What is this languor that
pervades my heart?

Oh the patter of the rain
on the ground and the roofs!
For a heart growing weary
oh the song of the rain!

There is weeping without cause
in this disheartened heart.
What! No betrayal?
There's no reason for this grief.

Truly the worst pain
is not knowing why,
without love or hatred,
my heart feels so much pain.

Ramblings

Not a long time since I wrote here...but surely a long time since I felt really strongly about something which caused me to grab a pen and paper to vent. It feels weird to flow with the tide, when I want to flow against it, to maintain my individuality in a world where I see everything fusing into one another for harmony. There were times when I just felt like coming here to write. Write something about things which went on inside me...which overwhelmed me, but strangely I could never put it in words. There surely has been a lot going on, facing both sides of the coin from the sweet to the bitter, it has all come packed in a Pandora's box. It has given a lot to contemplate upon, make my decision and execute it. Yes, life has been full and Im happy with where I stand today but somewhere something feels amiss. Where and why is something which I cant pinpoint. I have a picture in my mind which comes alive with burning desire at a sight or words, probably even a touch or a gesture. It has remained with me all these years and I wonder when it will materilize as reality in front of me. It will remain for some more time to come as a patient wait...