Freedom

Received my passport and heaven knows why it fills me with a strange excitement and a cautious approach at the same time. I yearn to see an airline ticket tucked between the pages of that passport and a visa stamped on it to a faraway land, probably someday Antarctica! A quaint yearning, but that place still remains mystical to me in every way. Probably because I was fascinated by the Snow Queen and all the evil she portrayed, wondering in the innocence of my childhood, that how could anyone be so cruel to snatch love; the very essence of warmth in our lives...but later realised that is exactly what this world embodies.

Antarctica. A sheer white blanket enveloping the surroundings, stripping down all illusion with the dazzling sunlight and chill, to bring you down on your knees to admit the ferocity of Nature. I wish to be there, to be able to look towards a blinding horizon, feel the biting cold and the much needed silence around me. To be able to admire the beauty of Nature in monotone. A colour which is synonymous with my name. To admire the chaste beauty and the splendour without any jarring or meltdown of colours, just conformity yet a different spectacle everytime I turn.Feel the freedom of standing atop an iceberg and imagine myself soaring through the skies, without boundaries, limitations or shackles of an ephemeral life, into the inky black space and look back with a fondness of the times that have gone by. Feel the time stand still around me and yet see that it has sped away.

This is what I perceive as freedom, which does not mean freedom in terms of space or dimension but of the mind; by which I can travel to any place, any era, quench my thirst with all that I want. This is my freedom, which can be conquered by none.

Independence

Ambiguous, probably diabolical in its own context. An illusion in its own way, which gives a fleeting sense of euphoria and in the end like all, ends in doubt. Its very definition remains cloudy yet blatantly specified. A mirage which projects the desired.

If it existed in everything surrounding us including our own being then why the dependence on others, emotionally. As I believe that the universe is an extension of my thoughts, actions or rather my whole existence per se; then why do we need someone else to fill the void of this universe? Humans as we are, independence is another illusion that life shows.

Content

Content finally with what I have achieved so far. I know there is still a long way to go, for there are many adventures, experiences, situations and places awaiting my arrival but for now Im glad that I dont have anything on hand. I have fulfilled my promise of helping, of support when needed in any form.

Im content finally with a secured future for both of us with the hope in our hearts to rise to heights which we have never dreamed of. This space might never be able to express what exactly I feel, but this time I guess my relaxed poise shows the way I have formed this post. All the same this is cheering life for all the ironies it has made me experience and also for the fact that it has given me the first step towards looking back on life in a few years to say, 'Yes, I had fallen but now look how high I have reached. This, my dear is life and life is a different history.'

Natural Speed Breakers

Ever wondered why the traffic came to a sudden grinding halt? Well on Indian roads here is why...

Time Stands Still Here

on the shores of eternity,

how I wish to be there again,

someday,sometime.

Illusions

Illusions are not new to me, but what I search as I mentioned before comes alive with a burning desire...at mere sights or sometimes even a touch. Now I ask myself is it merely an illusion? Is it something that once acquired will cease to exist after its stipulated time is over? Will I be left bereft of what I once owned and cherished, only to look out towards a blazing desert with the quintessential spirit of life, ready to scorch my feet and acquire what my heart desires the most. Scorching my feet to soak the pleasure to acquire the desired is quite different from a situation where even my soul might be scorched. Is it worth the effort of singeing my spirit and flight of dreams? An illusion which temporarily shows me what I want to see...satisfies my senses but leaves me lonely when it disappears with the break of daylight. I hope that it wont fade away with time, for time erodes everything, even beautiful memories. Memories might be the only thing left at the end of time. But again hope is just one of the delusions to deal with.

The Unexpected

Life has an uncanny way of showing things you never wanted to see, or throwing diabolical situations at you at times when you really dont need them. It does prove in its own way that it is never predictable, just when you thought you were in control something goes haywire. Isn't it said that 'man proposes and God disposes'. Of God apart life surely manages to spring surprises...of bitter-sweet situations or love from unexpected quarters.
Life in other words as I perceive is nothing but a situation where you want to see something and see something else, something is happening and you want something else to happen...in a nutshell it can be beautiful and gory at the same time.
Times when I know everything is right and yet feel something is amiss I remember the lines of 'Il pleure dans mon coeur' by Paul Verlaine which translates into

There is weeping in my heart
like the rain falling on the town.
What is this languor that
pervades my heart?

Oh the patter of the rain
on the ground and the roofs!
For a heart growing weary
oh the song of the rain!

There is weeping without cause
in this disheartened heart.
What! No betrayal?
There's no reason for this grief.

Truly the worst pain
is not knowing why,
without love or hatred,
my heart feels so much pain.

Ramblings

Not a long time since I wrote here...but surely a long time since I felt really strongly about something which caused me to grab a pen and paper to vent. It feels weird to flow with the tide, when I want to flow against it, to maintain my individuality in a world where I see everything fusing into one another for harmony. There were times when I just felt like coming here to write. Write something about things which went on inside me...which overwhelmed me, but strangely I could never put it in words. There surely has been a lot going on, facing both sides of the coin from the sweet to the bitter, it has all come packed in a Pandora's box. It has given a lot to contemplate upon, make my decision and execute it. Yes, life has been full and Im happy with where I stand today but somewhere something feels amiss. Where and why is something which I cant pinpoint. I have a picture in my mind which comes alive with burning desire at a sight or words, probably even a touch or a gesture. It has remained with me all these years and I wonder when it will materilize as reality in front of me. It will remain for some more time to come as a patient wait...

The End

Is letting go or forgiving the end of a wound and a beginning of healing? Is forgiving a person who doesn't even acknowledge your presence later worth the effort? An effort about which you say, 'I did what I could.' Agreed you did what you could but, as a fact of life what goes around should come around...I patiently wait for that day when you will say what you gave came around, as I hope that you maybe right, hoping that I can once again believe in life. Juxtaposing an ending and a beginning is not easy but I wonder if it is worth the effort. The effort of reliving the past and finally letting go, rather it is easier to lock the past up in a corner and never venture into the cordoned area.

Acceptance

I saw you come out of your shell today.


The shell in which you had trapped yourself.


Trapped yourself fearing rejection.


Today I see the glow of acceptance.


An acceptance which will help in the process of forgetting.


Forgetting the pain.


The pain which had accumulated hurt and anger.


Hurt and anger which have now begun to dissolve,

To let in the bright light of a new tomorrow.

Silence

I spot you sitting in a corner, seeking to love and cherish.
In the corner where you have waited so long.
So long to seek, accumulate and finally prove.
Prove that, even I can.
I can rise from the depths of darkness to the blinding glow of success.
You stay looking for a sign.
A sign that signifies trust.
A sign that signifies hope.
Hope that it is right time to shine.
Hope that I will not falter.
I see the same innocence and glow of a determined spirit on your face of yore
And wonder when will Cinderella dance again?

Five Months Since

It takes a strong feeling or reaction to write about something, to get ideas, to get the words flowing and finally putting them on paper. The feeling is stronger when someone is wronged.

Justice delayed is justice denied.

Not anymore. I believe the fire you light to burn someone else will burn you to ashes. This is my justice. It is five months since and today the process of justice has begun.

I had forgotten, let gone of everything but the actions weren't forgotten.

It is five months since and finally I can see that day nearing when I will be at complete peace. That day when I have proved to the world that I have what it takes to stand tall and alone. To stand tall inspite all the odds.

It has been a long and patient wait but its worth every second I have waited.

A Loyalty Never Forgotten

I have never forgotten what it feels like to smell the pages of a new book and as a child I always associated it with the smell of Ma's freshly baked cakes. It was a smell which used to set my pulse and imagination running wild with glee at the thought of joyful reading and complete mesmerizing journey that lay ahead. It is an enchanted smell which has remained with me till date and has never rendered me alone, providing companionship in times most needed with written and blank pages alike.

It is a wonderful sojourn like no other, to lose myself completely in the pages and words ensuing. To be able to live another life for even a few moments and forget the reality surrounding me that was sometimes grim is something which I have enjoyed since childhood. A deep sense of bonding was what I felt when I read a book that reflected an inner conflict or a deep seeded dream. Those dreams which remained in the depths of my soul waiting patiently, trying to find a footing, a voice in this world which seemed harsh and judgemental.

Solitude dreams.

Solitude dreams because I associated noone with them not even the people close to me. Dreams where I was in a place unlike the reality surrounding us, a place where I find tranquility; and that tranquility I sought in solitude. A solitude in which my companion gave silence to the surroundings but the much needed action to my imagination. That companion who gave me varying situations to face, kingdoms to conquer, worlds with people to save, to savour the grace of royalty or bask in the glory of beauty.

My habits have stemmed from some incident and the habit of reading has been no different, stemming from the habit of trying to cope up with sudden loneliness. A loneliness which crept into my life inspite of being in my own state, surrounded by people who spoke my language and yet isolated me for difference in dialect. Though it is an incident which took place more than a decade ago but sighting of a similar discrimination angers me, not only because it is taking place against a person who rarely fights back but also because the perpetrators are stupidly ignorant enough to never realise the repercussions of their actions on the victim as well as their own life. I believe that 'every action has an equal and opposite reaction', so no matter what you do related on unrelated to your life it does make an impact somewhere on this planet or lets say the universe per se; also that there are two infinite things, those being the universe and human stupidity. Of the universe Im not quite sure but of human stupidity I have absolutely no doubt.

A stupidity which refuses to see the brighter side of life though it believes in having a hedonistic approach towards life. Now thats what I perceive as the depth of human stupidity or should I say shallowness?

A shallowness which has in turn stemmed from the attitude of groupism. Agreed that man is a social animal, noone says that groupism is bad but to an extent where it hurts noone including the ones surviving on its fringes. But as the usual goes, when one door closes another opens.

Man is a social animal with definitely many exceptions.

Exceptions who choose inanimate books to bond with rather than humans who choose to discriminate against their own kind; and it is a bond which lasts a lifetime.

A bond which remains with you no matter which corner of the world you are in. A bond which fulfills the need for silence and action at the same time. A bond which transcends colour, creed and even age. A bond which corroborates the statement that 'it is never too late'.

It is never too late to establish this bond between the book and its reader, never too late to cherish the wonderful moments described, never too late to experience the thrill of voyages and the terror of battles lost & won.

As Ernest Hemingway had once said, 'There is no friend as loyal as a book'.

Finally The End

Done with my exams and looking forward to the completion of the last semester but it is amusing to note that there are quite a few weird habits of mine which has remained with me throughout the 17 years of formal education. To my parents utter dismay I still haven't been able to give up exam blues or as my father puts it, anxiety disorder. I laugh it off as tension being inherent in the family but after giving it a second thought I wondered why do I get so tensed up during the exams and later wonder why did I bother so much. I call this as the end of being bound and perceive the future full of cautious freedom hoping that the inherent tension keeps me from slacking rather than becoming a disorder!
Looking back I recall the different times when this very exam blues caused hilarious events much to the amusement of my parents. Ma was recalling when I was to give the first board exam of my life and I found the idlis tasting like pomfret fish! There was even a time when I refused to eat anything round before the exams, a notion which has remained till date. Baba even managed to come up with something of a Richter scale to measure my levels of tension and I thank him for those times when he made me laugh to ease out my tension or when he willingly became my punching bag for removal of tension!
I go back as far my memory takes me and I even recall the first Sarswati Puja about which there was so much of fuss as I was the youngest to be given a brain implant through education! My refusal to hold the pen straight which I don't do till date and its been 17 years since that day. The habit of plonking myself on my uncle's or father's lap and the glee of screaming out in utter joy while wrestling hasn't changed a bit.
No matter how old we grow there is always a certain childishness that remains in us so in a way this is not the end of formal education but a beginning of practical education with most of the quirky habits which have steadfastly remained with me through the years like a faithful companion. In a way it has been a reassurance for both my parents and me that even though I have grown up and ready to move on alone there is still a part of me which has remained childlike and it ensures that I remain their little girl forever.

Of Crowds & Chaos

It has been so long since I wrote here that coming back to the pages which I used to haunt so much felt weird for a second or two. Excuses for not writing will probably never change for me and I choose to stick to the usual ones of not having time or not finding anything interesting to write. The funniest part about the times when I have a brain wave on some topic to jot down are the times when I am supposed to concentrate on something else! With Durga Puja going on and with it my usual grumblings about the upcoming exams I noticed a few strange human traits which seem dominantly inherent in Bengalis. The ever increasing population has haunted our country since the time of freedom but it is only now that we can see the cities literally bursting at their seams, so the complaints of crowded pandals were normal and expected. The most astounding trait about such complaints were that we wanted to escape the crowds and landed at a pandal which was nearly empty and left it quickly cause we found it drab! Now we Bongs have always associated Pujas with the crowds and chaos, choosing to complain about it in its presence and absence. It is another issue that the chaos usually is predominant near the food stalls rather than the protima. You can never separate a Bong from his food and the sight of gorging reminded me of the concept of abnormal and normal Bongs! For everything said and done, atleast we dont believe in fasting, the mottto being 'khao, piyo aur mast raho' ; the sole idea of celebrating festivals seems to have become relishing the bhog and you can never find a group of Bongs without chaos reigning supreme.

Yahoo Messenger

Was nosing around the internet all morning trying to find out how did people get to know I was online even though I had signed in as invisible. Not only do I consider this as a breach of privacy specially concerning the ones Im trying to ignore but it also turns out to be a sham contract between Yahoo and its user. While signing up I have oft but noticed that noone waits a even a minute to go through the terms of contract but yes, the features of the new messenger do promise stealth settings. Moderately tech-savvy as I am, it took me a while to find out the cause and to my surprise the search engine threw up nearly 680,000 sites with a number of ways to detect not only invisible contacts but also ones who have chosen to remain permanently offline!!! Apart from this I even noticed that I could hack into someone else's account and decode all their conversations, not that I didnt know of this but what shocked me the most is the fact that such information was blatantly being displayed on the net and as the usual perception goes, that it might not work, it actually worked! So much for cheap conversations with loved ones living away. In a virtual world where nothing is private I wondered if my phone conversations where esoteric but to my horror I saw that even that was not so. Not only could I send sms from the net but could also create havoc by sending it from someone else's number without that person even realising it.
But as the attitude about such things go:
Case in point: how to see if someone is set to invisible mode in Yahoo! Messenger.
Why: Because we can.
Why Not: Because it helps to take a hint.

Public Memory

There have been many condemning acts put up by ministers concerning the gruesome nature of the blasts but what can you say about a TV grab which showed the CM laughing at the blast site the very next day. Well what really affects them? Loss of innocent lives or an attack on their colleagues? In what seems like today's world and blatant reality, is that after criticising the attack they coolly forget and move on. Hasn't that happened with most politicians? The AP speaker Balayogi for instance, not many remember him today. A stadium was named after him and then his memory promptly obscured. Thats what will happen to those unnamed, unheard of till the blasts occurred. We remember them for an instant, for the unnatural death and for pain they endured in their last moments of life, but what after that? Call it cynicism but it is reality and we, as the unaffected party move on with life, forget and often forgive the demeaning acts of hatred till we, ourselves are subjected to it. Fickle-minded as we are, brotherhood is at its best during such times of need and one wonders where it vanishes in times of communal riots when strife and carnage stare at you in your face. Whatever happened to this putative brotherhood during the time after Rajiv Gandhi's assassination when secularism was at its lowest and religious fanaticism at its apogee? I was way too small to register anything what went on around me, but today when I interact with people who have expounded those days the images described are not pleasant and certainly I couldnt find an iota of brotherhood in them. Well this democracy certainly seems for the people, by the people and of the people; where everything is emulated, condemned, visualized, pondered over and public sympathy lasts only for a day promptly cleaning the slate of memory overnight for a fresh story to be written the next morning.

Blasts And Collapse

The city has become a sentient wilderness shrouded in the darkness of death, surmounting pain and grief embodied with an impervious spirit to bounce back to normalcy. The flyover collapse has been a deja vu for most of us, not in the sense of its occurrence but the events juxtaposed with it. The wailing sirens, stampede, chaos, bloodshed and casualties might be repeated over time and has been ubiquitous but the reality and uncertainty takes time to sink in. For the ones who haven't been affected by the two incidents it is easy to digress from reality in order to move on with life, the only change being a lingering fear of any future untoward incidents. Public outbursts have called for inquiries and justice; but in a country where acquitting criminals and injustice are indigenous of the judicial system it is left to be seen as to how much we can expect and fight for or will it become another classic case of 'justice delayed is justice denied'? The blasts were a grim reminder of the omnipresence of terrorism and the fact that it can rear its grotesque head with precise suddenness and unexpectedness. While the collapse taught us another valuable lesson of life, that nothing is certain, for a city which is still reeling under the aftermath of the blasts, the collapse came as a complete shock taking place exactly fifteen days later with an uncanny sense of time. As Hyderabad is limping back to normal life one can only hope for the rejuvenation of the much damaged spirit of the city.

Short Life

I have heard the oft repeated statement ‘life is like this, take it the way it comes’, but nothing had prepared me for the shock that I got on the afternoon of 30th august. Exams currently being ubiquitous in my life I was so taken in by it that I didn’t stop for a moment to see what was taking place around me, till I received a rude awakening. In college while preparing for the afternoon exam we were informed that one junior had passed away due to fever. What shocked me the most was not the cause of death which otherwise is common place till death reared its ugly head on the poor unsuspecting victim, but the abruptness of life. The unexpectedness of life was too much to handle, the thought that there was so much of uncertainty attached to everything was unnerving. I didn’t know her personally nor do I remember seeing her, but the fact that we shared the same sphere for two years, shared the common joys, sorrows and frustrations attached with college and suddenly her being ripped away from this shared environment was overwhelming. My heart went out to her parents who had nothing more left but to wait for their daughter’s arrival in Kashmir, that too in a state which they would have never expected even in their wildest nightmares. But as they say, ‘this is life’; outsiders will mourn for a day or two and then forget to move on with their lives but the real losers and sufferers are her parents and siblings.
There are many things which we postpone for tomorrow little realizing that tomorrow is uncertain and we don’t know what is going to happen when and where. At such times its not the bigger things but the little things in life which matter the most and among those your family gets top priority. We never realize the times in our life we have ever stopped to tell our parents how much they mean to us, that we love them more than anything in this world and we are grateful for all that they have done to help us survive in this world are few and far placed. We always postpone resolving a quarrel but when something happens we regret not acting on our intuitions. I remember reading a poem somewhere which called for attention to such overlooked aspects of life and also asked the reader to rethink his lifestyle. What are we getting by this mad scramble for life? In this mad rush to be successful we are not enjoying the inner aspects of life. There is hardly anytime spent with family members which is the support system, rather more time is spent trying to acquire ephemera. When I read that poem today I wondered, apart from the family how much time do we give to nature? Rather we spend time trying to destroy it. Think about it, how many times have you stopped to enjoy the rains or the gorgeous weather bestowed along with it rather than cursing the potholes and horrendous traffic jams that accompany it. How many times have you gone for a vacation to the hills for time away from the city but after sometime craved to get back online and to your mobile blissfully stuck to your ear? It has been more frequent than we ever imagine it to be and later in life when we think we have fulfilled all our duties towards our parents and then our children, we sit back and realize that in the mad scramble we never actually enjoyed life. We never enjoyed it in the joys nor sorrows nor in the pain associated with the efforts of achieving everything and in old age there is no use complaining, so enjoy while you have the time or the sheer lack of it.

First Times

There are always first times of doing something in life for everyone, but there are times when enormity of the action or the risk involved in it surprises me. I have always associated tension for a particular situation as being concerned for it and have harbored this attitude towards exams. But today my own actions caused me to rethink everything that I had done so far and the fact that I took it to be the hard & fast rule to continue doing so. Tension being hereditary in my family, I always tend to get hyper during exams and look to finish the syllabus so that Im confident (remotely) for the next day, but over the past few days I have been forced to mug up just an hour before my exam which was unthinkable and Im not even worried that I haven’t studied for the next paper. Well as they say there is always a first time and certain situations make you act in a way which you would have thought unthinkable otherwise.
Today was also the first time that inspite of being under pressure of studying for the ongoing exams, I couldn’t help but look out towards the quadrangle of my college in awe and think in absolute amazement at how I managed to spend two years in one place without paying attention to the smaller aspects and the hidden beauty in the architecture. Nothing very great about the architecture, but when contrasted against a tumultuous grey sky and lovely weather to accompany it, the beauty of the whole setting is visible. For the first time I looked towards the place which has been second home and gave serious thought about the impending future which embodies my departure from that place. I wondered what it would be like, uncertain or otherwise.
The first time I stepped into college I was looking to complete my stipulated three years there and then move on probably to a new destination, and now there being just few months for it to happen I let myself soak in the dreams that I have for myself and constantly work towards making them real. We all have a Utopian dream and set up a city of what I call ‘Eldorado’, so have I, though I wonder what it feels like to gain the first success in moving towards the setting up of this dream city. I eagerly wait for that first time to come…